


Sounds of someday

by Bex_m85



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Attempted Murder, Car Accident, Depression, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Married Castiel/Dean Winchester, Murder, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Drug Use, Protective Dean Winchester, Recovery, Suicidal Castiel (Supernatural), Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, au supernatural
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 32,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23852800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bex_m85/pseuds/Bex_m85
Summary: Dean wakes after a horrific car accident, which had killed his brother-in-law and left his husband broken. Not only does he have to try and put himself back together, but he needs to help Castiel deal with his own torture and demons. Castiel was driving, but it wasn’t his fault.Soon the real truth of the accident comes to light, and it makes things so much worse throwing more fuel on an already burning fire of confusion, and pain.As Castiel turns down a path of no return battling demons Dean cannot tame, Dean seeks help in Sam and Casitel’s cousin Gabriel to try and bring closure to the whole ordeal. All the while trying to stop his husband...his whole world from falling past recovery.Completely AU story.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 17
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So i am completely and utterly in love with Radio Company’s album. Which in case anyone didn’t know is the beautiful work of Jensen Ackles and Steve Carlson. The title of this fic is one of the songs and it completely inspired me to write this story. 
> 
> Don’t worry I wont neglect my other ones, but this has been tugging at my muse all weekend. 
> 
> This is a short chapter just to set up the idea of the story.
> 
> Go listen to the album and thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.
> 
> Stay safe out there guys.  
> Bex.  
> X

Fuck the lights were bright, and his head…well his head felt like he had drunk a liquor store. He could hear voices that sounded far away and panicked, then he felt it. Something down his throat, making him gag. That was when Dean freaked. His hands flew up to whatever it was that was restricting his breathing, he felt pressure on them and they were suddenly pinned firmly at his side.

“Dean? Dean you need to calm down. Please just calm so they can remove the tube. It’s going to be okay.” 

Dean knew that voice, it belonged to his brother and his hand flew out blindly to grab onto the only thing that felt right in this terrifying situation. He felt Sam’s tight grip wrap around his hand squeezing it gently.

“It’s okay Dean. I’m here. You just need to calm and then we can talk.” Sam soothed.

Dean didn’t remember much else. He heard more voices filling the room before his eyes closed into blackness once more. It was too much. It was too much to keep them open right now.

When he came to again the lights weren’t as bright and he found that he could swallow better. A cup of water appeared in his hands, another hand around his own to help him guide it to his mouth.

“Not too fast Dean. It’s been a while since you have had a drink.” 

It was Sam again, at his side, helping him drink, soothing him in a gentle tone he had barely heard from his brother. It was normally him trying to calm his brother not the other way round. Dean was trying desperately to figure out what was going. He knew he was in a hospital that much was clear. But why? And where was his husband. He felt a stab of hurt, wondering why he was waking up to his brother at his side and not Castiel. He knew what the man was like, he would have been in a state of panic over whatever had happened, and most certainly would not have left Dean’s side. For anything.

“Take it easy Dean. You’ve been through a lot. Just take a minute and then we can talk.” Sam said.

“What’s going on Sammy? Where is Cas?” Dean croaked.

He noticed the look that flashed in his brother’s eyes. No matter how drugged up he still was, he knew that look anywhere. It was a mixture of pain and pity. There was a deep sorrow radiating from Sam and Dean felt himself panic. Where was Castiel?

“Sam? Where is he? What’s happened?” Dean demanded, pulling at the wires in his hands. 

Sam’s own hand landed on his, stopping his actions and Dean cursed himself for being too weak to fight his brother’s grip. What the hell had happened to him?

“Dean stop. Please just stop. I will tell you what’s happening I promise. But I can’t when you are like this. You need to calm down, and let them help you please. You just….you need to let them help you.” Sam begged him, his voice trailing off at the end.

Dean stopped his fight, taking in his brother for the first time. Sam looked exhausted, his face was lined with worry lines, his eyes bloodshot and withdrawn. He looked like he had lost weight, like he hadn’t slept or eaten properly for a long time. Dean swallowed down his panic, a sudden want to protect his brother and make whatever had gone wrong right rushed through him.

“Sammy what happened?” Dean asked gently. 

Sam dropped down on the chair next to Dean’s bed, running his hand through his hair making it look messier than Dean had ever seen it look. Dean waited patiently, he didn’t want to push Sammy despite his need to know what was going on, and he had a feeling whatever it was was bad. Finally Sam took a deep shaky breath and spoke.

“You were in a car accident Dean. You, Castiel and Jimmy. You’ve been in a coma for just over a week, Castiel still is, though he has been showing signs of coming round in the last few days. Truth be told I though he would wake before you….”

“And Jimmy?” 

Dean wasn’t stupid. He had noticed that Sam only briefly mentioned Jimmy. What colour that was left in Sam’s face drained at Dean’s question and he racked his brain to try and remember something, anything from the accident but he was drawing a blank. When Sam didn’t reply Dean repeated the question, this time there was a sharpness to his tone.

“What happened to Jimmy Sam?” 

“Jimmy is dead Dean. He didn’t make it.” He whispered.

Dean felt the blood run cold in his veins at Sam’s words. His chest tightened painfully and suddenly things seem to come rushing back. The three of them in Castiel’s car after an afternoon lunch. Dean and Castiel’s twin, Jimmy had been a little drunk, but Castiel always the sensible one hadn’t touch a drop. That’s all Dean had remembered before he blanked. But it was enough. Enough to know that Castiel had been driving, but it wouldn’t have been his fault. Enough to know that when Castiel woke, the fact his brother was dead, would destroy him. And despite the crushing pain in his own chest, Dean prayed his husband didn’t wake, because he couldn’t bare to see Castiel succumb to the grief that would take him on losing his twin brother.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plan for this story gets me excited with the twists and turns and I can’t wait to share them with you.
> 
> Study during the week may slow updates down. But they will come and I want to thank you all for reading and supporting this.
> 
> Stay safe guys  
> Bex  
> X

Sam stood for a moment against the wall just outside his brother’s hospital room. Dean was sleeping again, thanks to the aid of a sedative. He knew he shouldn’t have told his brother about Jimmy, but at the same time he couldn’t lie to Dean. It had taken a few moments for the news to sink and then Sam had watched the devastation hit. He shuddered as he thought back to Dean thrashing against him, trying to rip out the IV lines, and the wires that were still attached to him. Dean wanted to be at Castiel’s side and there was nothing, in his mind, that was going to stop him. Sam was just grateful that his brother didn’t have the strength to win the fight, and also to the doctors that came rushing in to administer a sedative to him. 

Taking a deep breath Sam forced his legs to work and take him down the ward to where Castiel was still unconscious. He stopped just outside, letting his eyes take in the scene. His brother-in-law was covered in wires and lines. Stark against his tanned skin was a white bandage wrapped round his torso to support the ribs that had been broken in the accident, one of them had pierced his lung and Sam remembered how close they had been to losing Castiel as well. A figure sat silently by his bed side and it was he who Sam walked up to, placing a hand on the man’s shoulder.

“Hey Gabe. Dean’s awake.” Sam greeted him.

The guy turned to look at him, genuine relief flooded his eyes and Sam understood. If Dean hadn’t woken and Castiel had, well it wasn’t really something Sam wanted to dwell on. The situation was bad enough.

“How is he?” Gabriel asked.

Sam shrugged slightly. Taking a seat on the other chair in the room, his eyes once more falling on the man lying in the bed. Fixing on the rise and fall of his chest, praying that he would wake up soon. 

“Sam?” 

Sam started slightly, forgetting for a moment there was another in the room. He flashed Gabriel a slight smile. He had been so grateful when Castiel’s cousin had come straight down to Kansas. He had got on the first flight from New York, and hadn’t left Castiel’s side since. Gabriel was the only family other than Jimmy, that Castiel spoke to. The only other that he trusted. It hadn’t take Sam long to gel with the quirky editor. He was a good guy and Sam knew he had found a small apartment to settle in, telling Sam that he could work remotely and that his office understood. There was going to be a long recovery ahead for both Castiel and Dean, and Sam wouldn’t have been able to cope with it alone. 

“He’s…he knows Gabe. I had to tell him. He tried as you can imagine, to come to Castiel. So he is currently sedated again.” Sam replied. 

“But he should make a full recovery?” 

“Yeah. Do they have any idea how long it will be till Cas wakes?” Sam asked.

Gabriel sighed rubbing his hand over his face. Sam could see the emotions flash over his tired face, and he understood. They wanted Castiel to wake, but at the same time they didn’t want him to suffer when he did, and he would suffer. Castiel was troubled, when Dean had first met him he had been in a dark place, addicted to prescription medication, in a deep depression. Dean had his own monsters with the heavy drinking that had come with owning a bar, but Sam had watched him turn his life around because he had focused his energy in fixing Castiel. Dean had found a purpose in the broken writer that had descended on his bar every night, and they had very quickly become inseparable. Sam didn’t know Castiel’s history, and he had never asked much, it wasn’t his place to know. But he knew enough about him to know this would most likely push him back. Castiel had turned a huge corner over the last few months. Sam had remembered Jimmy telling him how happy and healthy his brother looked just days before the accident. It was the last thing he remembered of the more outgoing, social twin, and it pained him to even think about it.

“They think he should in the next day. He gripped my hand earlier, he wants to come back to us but I don’t know if I want him to Sam. It may make me a bad person to wish this on my cousin, but I wish he had given up in that operating theatre, because what we are about to face, it’s going to be more cruel than death.” Gabriel said quietly.

Sam didn’t say anything, watching as Gabriel gripped his cousin’s hand tightly. He thought back to where his brother was lying, sleeping. Dean had been in the back of the car when the accident had happened, he had come off the best with just a nasty head injury a few broken ribs and some bruising that had settled over the last week. Seeing the wreck of the car Sam had still been surprised how his brother hadn’t died, but he understood how Jimmy hadn’t survived. The passenger side had been completely destroyed, leaving no room for survival. 

“You know I’ll stay as long as I need too don’t you Sam?” 

Sam inwardly shook himself to snap out of the dark thoughts that were threatening to cloud his mind. Dean was awake, and Castiel would be soon. They had to focus on getting them home first, then they would deal with whatever else came their way.

“I know. I appreciate it too. I mean we have friends here, but Cas doesn’t trust them as much as Dean. He is always so wary even though they haven’t given him any reason to be. He would only trust you and….” Sam trailed off.

“I know…why don’t you head back home, get showered and some sleep. I will let you know if Castiel wakes. Now Dean is awake we can both have a bit of rest. When you come back I’ll go and do the same.” Gabe suggested.

Sam simply nodded, not needing to be told twice. He knew that Dean would be fine now, Gabriel was right. They both needed to catch up on a bit of rest.

“Call me if you need anything.”

Gabriel nodded in response, his gaze returning back on his cousin as Sam left, heading back to his own house, needing to ring Bobby and Benny to let them know that Dean was okay, and in desperate need of Jess’s comfort, something he had been neglecting over the last week. 

Sam hadn’t realised he had fallen asleep on the couch until a knock at his door caused him to sit bolt upright, cursing loudly as his body protested against the sudden movement. Taking a moment to gather his thoughts before dragging himself off the sofa to the door. Pulling it open he was surprised to see Dean’s best friend Benny stood on the other side. Casting an eye over the man, noting he was dressed in one of his suits telling Sam he had just come from the station.

“Benny? Hi.” Sam stuttered slightly, stepping aside to let the older man in. 

Benny shrugged out his coat hanging it up on one of the hooks, while Sam headed into the kitchen, pulling open the fridge to hand him a beer, frowning slightly when Benny refused it.

“This isn’t really a social call Sam. I saw your car and thought I would come and see you. See how Dean and Castiel are doing, and also I need to talk to you.” Benny said.

Sam swallowed heavily, not liking the way the detective was looking at him. He knew that the police seemed to have taken more of an interest in the crash. They seemed certain that it wasn’t just an accident, but Sam wasn’t sure they were right. He hadn’t heard much more about it over the last few days, so to have Benny leaning against the counter in his kitchen, a look in his eyes that Sam couldn’t read, didn’t sit well with him.

“Dean…he came round this morning. Castiel is still not with us, but he has been showing signs of waking. They reckon he will in the next day.” Sam replied.

“And how is Dean?”

“He knows about Jimmy. When I left him he had been sedated again, he just freaked out, wanting to get to Cas. He’ll be okay though.” Sam shrugged. “Why are you here Benny?”

“Sam…can you think of anyone who would want to hurt Castiel or your brother?” 

The question completely threw Sam, rendering him silent for a good few moments. Benny just stood patiently, he was use to this, waiting for answers.

“I…I mean…what kind of question is that Benny?” Sam finally replied.

“What happened wasn’t an accident Sam. We have forensics going through what’s left of the car with a fine tooth comb. We will also been going through Jimmy’s phone that was found at the scene as best we can. I need permission to go through Castiel and Dean’s phones, but someone wanted them dead.” Benny told him.

Sam felt himself grip the counter tighter. This couldn’t be happening. Someone wanted them dead. It didn’t make sense. He knew Dean didn’t have any enemies, but he wasn’t sure about Castiel. He didn’t know much about the man’s past, just that it was a dark one. One that he had wanted to get away from and that had brought him to Lawrence five years ago. 

“I don’t know…I mean Dean doesn’t have any enemies of that I’m sure, but I don’t know enough about Castiel’s past…you would need to speak to his cousin Gabriel. He might be able to help you. Benny…when did you decide this? When did this become a murder investigation?” Sam questioned.

“As of today Sam. That’s why I came over, I wanted you to know from me before you heard it from anyone else. I have only just got hold of Jimmy’s phone, tomorrow I will be going through his records. Can you get me Dean and Castiel’s?”

“Erm…yeah I will head over to their place on the way back to hospital, I took their personal belongings back to there a few days ago. I will bring it to the station.” Sam muttered.

Benny smiled sadly patting him on the shoulder as he walked past to get his coat. 

“Thank you Sam. I’m sorry to have sprung this on you with everything else that’s going on. But we will find out what’s going on. I will have my best men on it. We will find out who did this to them and how. You just concentrate on helping Dean and Castiel get through this. They will need you. Tell Dean I will come and visit at the weekend.” 

And with that he was gone, the door closing loudly behind him, before silence descended. Sam stayed put for sometime. He couldn’t force his legs to move, to shocked at what he had just been told. Someone had wanted either his brother or Castiel dead. But who and why? What the hell had happened in the writer’s past to have brought this upon them, because Sam was so sure that it wasn’t Dean they were after. 

Taking a deep breath, he finally pushed himself away from the counter, sleep forgotten he grabbed his coat and car keys and made his way back out into the cool evening to go and get the stuff the police needed, and then head over to his girlfriend’s place. He needed to talk to someone about what he had just been told and he wasn’t ready for that to be Gabriel. In fact he wasn’t ready to face the hospital again just yet.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This made me tear up writing this. The thought of Dean not being able to take away Castiel’s pain hurts my heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. Honestly it means so much. I am currently studying and working so chapters are written when I have the time. I am hoping to update ‘Bittersweet symphony’ and ‘here with me’ over the weekend.
> 
> But I am loving this story which is where my muse is right now.
> 
> Anyway thank you so much again. 
> 
> Stay safe out there lovelies.
> 
> Bex  
> X

“Will you stop staring at me Gabriel. I am fine. They wouldn’t have let me come to Cas if I wasn’t.” Dean snapped. 

Gabriel held his hands up in a slight defence as he leant back in his chair, the chair he had been in for so long his body was beyond protesting. It felt numb. Sam hadn’t returned to the hospital, instead he had sent Gabriel a text telling him that Benny had visited, and that they needed to talk. That was it. Gabriel guessed that whatever had been shared by the detective hadn’t been good, and Sam had just needed space. He was fine with it. Now though he wished Sam was there, he wasn’t sure how to deal with a volatile Dean Winchester.

“Sorry. I’m just worried about you Dean. Forgive me for caring. But when my cousin wakes up, the last thing he is going to need is you sick. You should be resting.” Gabriel said.

Dean sent him a sharp look before returning his gaze to Castiel. Gabriel sighed deeply, running a hand through his hair. He needed a shower and sleep. He hoped Sam would be back soon. When Dean had appeared pale and shaking in the doorway about three hours ago Gabriel had panicked. Wondered how he had managed to shake of the sedation so quick and leave his room. It soon became clear that he had made a promise to the nurses and doctor that Gabriel would watch him, while he sat with his husband. He didn’t mind, he just wished he been given a heads up.

“Why won’t he wake?” Dean whispered.

Gabriel reached over and squeezed Dean’s arm. He felt Dean’s pain. Hell he had been through it long before Castiel had met the bar owner. His cousin was a mess. He had always been a troubled child and as he had got older, and shrunk away from society into his writing his mental state had got worse. That was until five years ago, when he had met Dean. Dean had changed Castiel, given him a purpose and showed him a love that had made Gabriel and Jimmy sick with jealousy, but happy. Castiel had turned a huge corner in the last six months. They had weaned him off the medication he had been on to the point he no longer needed it, and his anxiety in social situations was manageable. And now, now they would be back to square one or worse and Gabriel knew Dean was trying to mentally prepare himself for it. So was he.

“Maybe now you are here he will. Talk to him Dean. I think he will respond to your voice. I need to get a coffee. I wont be long.” Gabriel said.

Giving Dean’s arm one last squeeze he stood and excused himself, deciding to give Dean sometime with his husband in a hope he was right. That Dean’s voice would bring Castiel back to them, despite the fact deep down he hoped his younger cousin wouldn’t wake.

Dean sat watching his husband sleep, gripping his hand tightly as he watched the rise and fall of his chest. Gabriel had informed him that they had removed Castiel’s tube the day before, he being able to breath by himself but just choosing not to wake. Dean placed a kiss to the hand he was holding, eyes fixed on Castiel’s face, what he would give to see his beautiful blue eyes staring back at him, with the love they always held.

“Hey Cas. If you can hear me, I really need you to wake up. We can get through this together, but I don’t know what I would do if I lost you too. Come one Castiel, open those eyes you know I love so much. Please.” Dean begged, resting his head against his husband’s hand. “I love you so much Castiel Winchester. I need you to wake up.”

It was so slight at first that Dean almost thought he had imagined the pressure on his hand. It was only when he felt it again that he let his gaze fell onto Castiel’s face. He let out a sharp sob as the blue eyes he had only moments ago begged to see gazed back at him. There was confusion in them, but there was also so much love and trust, that Dean didn’t care about the tears that were now spilling down his cheeks.

“Dean…where am I? Why are you crying?” Castiel croaked.

Dean could hear the panic in his words, standing slightly, reaching over so that he could brush his lips against Castiel’s. Hoping that the simple gesture would be enough to sooth the man if not just a little bit.

“You’re okay darling. It’s going to be okay.” Dean assured him, just as a nurse came into the room. 

“Hello Castiel. It’s so good to finally see you back with us. We just need to check a few things, make you more comfortable.” She said.

Dean went to move but Castiel grabbed his hand tightly, scared blue eyes begging him not to leave. Dean squeezed his hand gently, flashing him a slight smile. Noting Gabriel stood in the doorway. 

“I’m not going anywhere. It’s okay. I’m right. This lovely nurse is going to make you feel better.” 

“Hello Castiel. I’m Doctor Jonson. I just want to ask you a few questions. You’ve been unconscious for a while I just need to make sure that there is no lasting damage. Don’t worry I did the same to your husband when he woke up.” He said, flashing Castiel a bright smile.

Dean watched Castiel shrink back slightly as the Doctor approached and shone a light in each of his eyes, all the time Dean held his hand tightly. Gabriel had entered the room by now, and he was on the other side soothing his cousin, helping Dean keep him as calm as they could. It wasn’t easy. The more the Doctor poked and prodded him, asked him questions, the more Castiel became agitated. The fact that they had to be careful what medication they could give him, due to his past, made it even harder to keep him settled.

“Okay Castiel. I think that’s enough for today. I’ll leave you to rest and I’ll come and see you tomorrow.” Jonson told him.

Dean let out a breath of relief, just wanting some alone time with man he loved, and had been so close to losing. The Doctor was almost out the door when Castiel spoke the words Dean had been dreading to hear.

“Where is my brother? Where is Jimmy?” 

A tense silence filled the room. Dean swallowed heavily flicking his gaze between Gabriel and Jonson not daring to speak. It was the wrong thing to do, because it told Castiel that something was wrong. Dean felt him tense, and as he looked back to his husband he saw emotions play out on his beautiful features. Panic, fear, anger, devastation. Castiel remembered. 

“Where is my brother?” Castiel whispered, his body trembling.

Dean saw a nurse enter the room out the corner of his eye, ready to help should she be needed. Dean closed his eyes as Gabriel spoke, he had hoped he would lie. Protect Castiel a little longer, but he knew that Gabriel wouldn’t have been able too lie to his cousin and if Dean was honest with himself he wouldn’t have been able to either.

“Cassie…I’m so sorry….Jimmy…..he didn’t….he didn’t make it.” Gabriel told him quietly, placing an hand on his Cousin’s arm.

“No. You’re lying. He’s lying right Dean. Jimmy is fine. He’s just in another room.” Castiel said, turning big blue eyes onto Dean.

Dean wanted to run. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t bare to be the one to confirm what Gabriel had said. To admit to his husband that his brother was dead would mean destroying him once more. Castiel had come so far in the last six months. Things had been great, he was happy and healthy and their life had, for the first time, been almost perfect . Selfishly Dean wasn’t ready to let that go, but he couldn’t lie. Taking a deep breath ignoring people in the room, focusing completely on Castiel.

“I’m sorry baby. It’s true. Jimmy’s dead. I wish to god he wasn’t. I’m so sorry.” Dean replied.

He felt tears spring his eyes as he watched the pure devastation wash over Castiel, he could see the guilt rush into him, watched as he body started shaking uncontrollably. He barely heard Jonson call out for help, when Gabriel grabbed him to pull him away from Castiel, was when Dean fought. He wasn’t about to leave his husband to fall to pieces alone. Castiel was fighting against the nurses that had come in to try and calm. His screams for his brother ringing through the room.

“Get of me Gabriel.” Dean cried.

“Dean we need to let them help him. They need to help him.” Gabriel begged him.

“I can help him Gabe. I can make it better.” Dean sobbed.

“No you can’t. Not this time Dean. Not yet.” Gabriel soothed, dragging him out the door.

Dean leant heavily against the man as they both watched in despair, the nurses finally managed to hold Castiel down enough to administer a sedative. Dean felt his legs buckle as he watched his husband succumb to the drug. He was exhausted.

“Come on. Let’s get you back to your room.” Gabriel said.

Dean didn’t bother arguing, he didn’t have the strength too, instead he let Gabriel lead him back to his bed, help him into it where it took moments for him to fall into a fitful sleep.

“Gabriel?” 

Gabriel looked up at the sound of Sam’s voice as he approached the entrance to the hospital. Gabriel flashed him a tired smile, for the first time realising just how long he had been sat outside for. It was getting dark and the temperature was dropping. He could see the worry on Sam’s face, and he didn’t have the energy to speak words of reassurance to him, because quite frankly nothing was okay. It was very far from okay.

“What happened?” Sam asked, taking a seat on the wall next to him.

Gabriel shook his head slightly, trying to find his voice. He was exhausted. He had sat with Dean for a while after he had fallen asleep, before checking in on his cousin. Castiel had looked so peaceful, but Gabriel knew he was anything but. The nurse had assured him that Castiel would sleep through the night, and had suggested that he go home and get some rest now that that both Dean and Castiel had come round and were stable. Gabriel had to laugh at the word stable. His cousin was far from stable, and he wasn’t sure he ever would be again. 

“Gabe?”

Sam’s voice shook him from his thoughts, reminding him that he wasn’t alone.

“Cas came round. All was going fine, until he asked about Jimmy. And of course I couldn’t lie.” 

“And he didn’t take it well.”

A laugh escaped Gabriel’s lips, shocking him as much as it did Sam. He had to laugh, because if he didn’t he would just cry and he was over shedding tears… for today anyway.

“That’s an understatement Sam. He flipped, lost it, to the point I had to pull Dean away from his side while they sedated him.” 

“Shit….Gabe I’m sorry. Is Dean…”

“He’s fine Sam. Well as fine as he can be. I left him sleeping.” Gabriel assured the younger man.

“What about Cas?” Sam asked quietly.

Gabriel shrugged, he didn’t have an answer. He would have to speak with his doctor in the morning, find out the next step. He supposed they would have to wake till Castiel woke again before they had any idea what the next action would be. He had no idea which Castiel they would get, and which one they would have to deal with. 

“He was bad before Sam. But this is something else….he’s lost his twin brother, and he was the one driving the car. The guilt alone is going to destroy him let alone the grief….” Gabriel trailed off noting the look on Sam’s face. 

Looking closer at his friend he could see exhaustion etched on his face, he didn’t look like he had any sleep since he had been gone. Something was wrong.

“Okay spill. What’s going on Sam. I thought you had been gone all this time because you had crashed out somewhere, but not I’m not so sure that is the case.” 

“Benny came to see me. It’s no longer just an accident Gabe. It’s now a murder investigation.” Sam muttered.

Gabriel stared at him in stunned silence, his brain desperately trying to process the bombshell that Sam had just dropped on him. He had thought things couldn’t get any worse, but damn did the universe think otherwise. Sam was still talking and Gabriel forced himself to listen.

“I am pretty sure that Dean doesn’t know anyone that wants him dead. But Cas? I told Benny I didn’t know enough about his past to be sure. Told him he needed to speak to you…but I mean this is crazy right? No-one would want Castiel dead. Right?” Sam finished.

Silence settled over them both for a few moments. Gabriel could feel Sam’s pleading, puppy dog eyes on him. Begging him to tell him Benny was wrong, that no-one had wanted to kill his brother and Castiel. And he so wanted to tell Sam what he wanted to hear. But the thing was, the detective was likely right, and he knew only one person it could be.

“It’s someone from both our pasts Sam. But it doesn’t make sense. He would have no idea where Castiel would be. He hasn’t given a damn about him for twenty years. He left both Jimmy and Cas when they were thirteen, followed their father…”

“Gabriel who the hell are you talking about?” Sam snapped.

Gabriel didn’t react to the sharp tone of the youngster, he was panicking and if he was honest with himself so was he. He just didn’t understand how Castiel would have been found.

“He’s older brother Michael. Someone else was behind this though Sam. Michael wouldn’t have got his hands dirty….”

“You’re right. And I really need to talk to Castiel as soon as he is awake.”

Both Gabriel and Sam jumped at the sudden interruption, neither of them expecting to see Benny stood in front of them, a look of sympathy in his eyes.

“I went through Jimmy’s phone….he had been in contact with Micheal.”

“What the are you saying Benny?” Gabriel hissed.

He felt Sam grip his arm, ready to pull him back should he need too.

“I think Jimmy had more to do with this ‘accident’ than we first thought. I need to speak with Castiel before I can say any more.” 

“Well you can’t. He’s currently under sedation after learning that his twin brother is dead. His twin brother who loved him more than you can imagine, and who would never, ever put him in danger.” Gabriel snapped.

“Look Benny I understand why you came straight down. But it’s not a good time. I will call you tomorrow when Cas wakes up. See how he is and see if he will talk to you.” Sam reasoned.

It seemed like the detective was going to protest, but instead he nodded his head slightly and Gabriel wondered if his close connection to Dean and Castiel had stopped him from pushing. He wondered how Benny had managed to stay on this case when he knew the people involved. He supposed his should be grateful it was someone Castiel knew and sort of trusted, especially if what he had just told them was true. Gabriel shook himself mentally. It wasn’t true. Jimmy wouldn’t do that, he had been just as devastated when Michael had left, why would he turn on his brother now? It didn’t make sense.

“Very well Sam. I will call you tomorrow. You should both go home and get some rest.”

And with that he was gone, striding back towards his car. The pair sat in silence for a few moments before Sam spoke.

“Gabe…”

“Don’t Sam. Look my apartment is closer. Let’s both go back, get some sleep and we will talk more in the morning. I cant even think right now. I’m exhausted and quite frankly I cant take any more tonight.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the support guys.
> 
> Hope you are all staying safe in this crazy time.
> 
> Bex  
> X

Dean sat in the silence of Castiel’s room, running his thumb over the top of the hand he held. The ward was quiet enough, and the early morning light was starting to flick through the blinds in the room. Castiel had woken badly in the night, the nurses hadn’t wanted to sedate him again, it was too much of a risk with his previous addiction. One of them had come to Dean, asking him to help them calm Castiel. She had made of point of telling him this wasn’t the normal practice, but sometimes they broke those rules for the sake of the patients. Dean hadn’t needed to be told twice, he had been out of bed and following the nurse to his husband’s room as fast as he could. It had taken everything to stop himself from falling to pieces at the state of Castiel. He knew that he would have the chance to grief for what they had lost, and to try and accept whatever their new future now was later, alone, when Castiel was sleeping again. 

It had taken a good half an hour to settle Castiel, but they hadn’t need any medication to do it. Instead Dean simply climbed onto the small bed with him, and after some fight, managed to pull Castiel into his arms and hold him there while he cried himself to exhaustion, his whole body drenched in sweat, shaking from the terrors that were twisted in his mind. 

Now Dean was sat in the chair by Castiel’s bedside, waiting for him to wake up.

“Hey brother.” 

Dean jumped at the voice, spinning round to find one of his oldest friends stood in the doorway. Kitted out in a suit telling Dean he had stopped by on his way to the station. Standing he walked over to the man, embracing him in a tight hug.

“Benny. What are you doing here?” Dean asked as they pulled away.

“I went to your room. They said you were in here with Cas. How is he?” Benny replied.

Dean sighed deeply, casting a glance at his sleeping husband. He didn’t want to leave Castiel but he didn’t want to talk about things while in his room, he couldn’t risk Castiel waking and hearing, he didn’t need to upset him any more with more harsh truths.

“Let’s go back to my room. I need to pack some stuff up, I think they are going to discharge me later.” Dean suggested.

Benny simply nodded in response. Dean walked back over to the bed, leaning down to brush his lips against Castiel’s forehead. He stirred by didn’t wake. 

“I’ll be right back love. And if you wake one of the nurses will come and get me. I wont be far.”

Then he turned and lead the way back to his room. Neither of them spoke until they were in the safety of his hospital room. Benny shut the door behind them, taking a seat on one of the chairs. Dean sank down on his bed, closing his eyes as he took a deep breath. He could do this. It was going to be okay. Castiel would come back to them. 

“Dean? Talk to me brother.” Benny called to him.

Dean felt Benny’s hand on his arm, forcing his eyes open and for him to lift his head so he was looking his best friend in the eye. Benny had always been there for Dean. Through the childhood he had suffered at the hands of his father, from when his mum had died. Helping him with Sam, and then through his own demons. Dean had been just as much of a rock to Benny. There was nothing they wouldn’t do for each other, and he was the only other person that Castiel trusted. He could let his walls down unashamedly and Benny wouldn’t judge. That was why he didn’t stop the tears when they came.

“I don’t know if I can do this again Benny. He was getting better. Things were going good, you know that. For the first time in the five years I have known Cas he was healthy. Our life was perfect in my eyes. And now this….now Jimmy is gone, and he was driving. He won’t recover from this, and I am so scared I am going to lose him.” Dean confessed.

“I wish I could say it’s going to be okay, but there isn’t much point in me lying to you brother, and I wouldn’t anyway. But you need to make sure you don’t try to do this alone. You were in the accident too, you’ve been injured, you were unconscious for over a week, you need to look after yourself and recover.” Benny told him firmly.

Dean took a deep breath, sitting up straighter and wiping the tears from his eyes. He knew Benny was right, and he knew that Gabriel had already decided to move in with Castiel and Dean to help, which he was grateful for. He wouldn’t be allowed to do it alone, even if he had wanted to.

“I know Benny. I’m sorry. He just woke badly from the sedative, they couldn’t give him any more last night, so I ended up having to hold him while he cried himself to such a state it exhausted him…”  
Dean trailed off, suddenly feeling tired.

“Do they know if he will be going home with you…”

Dean shook his head cutting Benny’s question off. He hadn’t even spoken to Castiel’s doctor about him leaving the hospital, he had a feeling it would be a few days yet. His injuries had been much worse than his. Not to mention his mental state.

“No, but to be honest I haven’t spoken to his doctor about it.” 

Dean let his eyes sweep over Benny, sitting smartly in his work suit, but that wasn’t what made him stop in his thoughts. Benny had a tension in his shoulders Dean hadn’t notice straight away. He had been too wrapped up in his own despair, but now he looked closer he could see the same tension lining Benny’s forehead, and there was a look in his eyes that Dean didn’t recognising.

“Benny? Is there something I need to know. Did you really just come and see how me and Cas were doing?” Dean asked him.

“Course I did Dean. You’re my oldest friend. I’ve been worried about you and Cas….” 

“But?” Dean prompted.

He could see that Benny was about to continue when another voice broke through the silence. Dean turned his gaze to the door just in time to see Sam crash through it. He watched as Benny and his brother exchanged looks, Sam’s eyes narrowed at seeing the detective, but Benny simply flashed Sam a smile.

“I thought I said I would ring you.” Sam said coldly.

“You said you would call me about Castiel. I came to see Dean.” Benny replied.

“Would someone tell me what’s going on?” Dean snapped.

There was suddenly tension in the room, and he didn’t like it. Sam and Benny knew something, something bad and it was clear that Sam was trying to protect Castiel from it, and him too.

“Benny why do you need to see Cas?” Dean asked, turning his attention on his best friend.

Benny shot Sam a look, and Dean didn’t miss the anger in his brother’s eyes. He could read Sam well, and he wasn’t happy with whatever Benny was about to say. But yet he didn’t stop him from speaking. Instead Sam came to sit next to him on the bed. This only confused Dean more, what the hell was going on?

“Dean, I need you to not freak out…”

“Freak out? Freak out about what? What the hell is going on!” Dean fired.

He could feel Sam’s hand on his arm, squeezing it lightly to try and calm him, Dean shrugged him off, his eyes never leaving Benny.

“Dean….what happened to you guys, it wasn’t an accident. It’s now a murder investigation. Someone wanted either you or Castiel dead.” Benny told him.

Dean’s mouth dropped as he stared at his friend, his brain didn’t want to believe what Benny had just said. It couldn’t be true. Then it was like everything hit him at once, the thought that someone had wanted him, or worse Castiel dead. The fact that he would have to explain this to his husband, the fact that someone wanted him dead. He heard Sam’s panicked voice trying to break through the fog. He was having an anxiety attack. He knew it, he could feel his chest start to tighten.

“Dean…Dean can you hear me. Dean talk to me.” 

“Dean? Breath into this for me brother.” Benny said.

Dean felt a bag go over his mouth, his breaths coming out in short sharp spurts. He felt Sam’s hand rub up and down his back, his voice calm and soothing, It felt like a life time, but he finally managed to gather his thoughts, and breath enough to speak.

“I don’t…I don’t understand. How? I mean who?” Dean stuttered.

The look on Benny’s face told him that this wasn’t the worse of it. There was more to come and Dean wasn’t sure he was ready for it. All he could think about was how he was going to tell Castiel all of this. His husband was already ruined, he didn’t know how much more Castiel could take before he broke beyond repair.

“Gabriel mentioned Castiel’s older brother Michael. It would seem he is right, because after going through Jmmy’s phone….let’s just say Jimmy was in contact with Michael. He has been for the last three months.” Benny explained.

“I don’t…you are saying,…they were after Castiel? Jimmy set us up…”

Dean couldn’t deal with this, his brain just couldn’t comprehend what was happening. What was being said. This couldn’t be happening. These things happened in movies, they weren’t real. Jimmy wouldn’t set his brother up. He loved Castiel. Had always been there for his younger twin. It didn’t make sense. None of it made sense. What the fuck was going on?

“No. You must be wrong. This is wrong. It’s all wrong. Jimmy would never do that to Cas. He just wouldn’t.” Dean snapped.

He stood, ignoring Sam he started pacing. He could feel his body trembling, and he forced himself to focus on his breathing. It didn’t to seem to be working, he couldn’t get a grip on his thoughts. 

“Dean I know this is a lot to take in. But I really need to speak to Castiel…”

Dean spun on Benny, glaring at him. How could he even think that Dean would let him near Castiel with this. He knew that if this was true, it would kill Castiel. They would lose him completely.

“No. No you don’t go near my husband. You will not speak to him about this.” Dean spat.

“Dean please. I need to talk to him.” Benny begged him.

“I said no! He can’t…he won’t…this is going to kill him.” Dean whispered.

He dropped down onto his bed again, he felt exhausted, defeated. How had everything spun out of control so quickly?

“I will leave it for a few days. Let you guys talk to Castiel first. But you have to understand Dean, for us to be able to protect you both, and get the bastard that did this to you I need to speak with Cas.” Benny told him.

And Dean did know. He understood what Benny needed to do, he had heard enough about his friend’s work, but he just wasn’t ready to put Castiel through it. 

“I know. Benny can we wait till he is home. I just…any more stress on him here and he won’t be leaving. He will be admitted and I promised him he would never end up in a psychiatric ward again.” Dean begged him.

Benny nodded, a sad smile on his face. Dean knew he remembered the time Castiel had spent on that ward. When he had finally snapped just a year ago. He remembered what Dean went through, and the promised he made to Castiel. 

“Okay brother. I will wait. But I do need to talk to you properly. Do you think you can come down to the station tomorrow? Sam can come with you. I meant what I said Dean, don’t do any of this on your own.” 

“We’ll be there tomorrow Benny.” Sam answered.

“I’ll will see you tomorrow then. Send my love to Cas.”

And with that he was gone. Dean took a few moments, once more focusing on his breathing. This couldn’t be happening. It was all wrong. 

Sam followed Benny out the room, grabbing the older man by the arm, spinning him round to face him.

“What the fuck was that? I told you to wait until I called you.” Sam fired.

“No you told me to not speak with Castiel. And I understand why, really I do Sam. But you didn’t say anything about speaking with Dean.” 

Sam dropped his hand from the detective’s arm, running it through his hair. This was insane, this whole situation was insane and he was still trying to get his head around it all. So was Gabriel, neither of them needed to be worrying about Dean and Castiel knowing about it all, well not yet anyway. But it was too late. The saving grace was that Benny was willing to hold off from speaking to Castiel for a bit, for that he was grateful. 

“I know….just….you should have waited until I had a chance to warn him.” 

“I couldn’t Sam. I’m sorry, believe me this is killing me just as much as it is you. The control I’m having to have, the begging I had to do just to stay on this case….This isn’t easy for me, but I know Castiel trusts me, and we need his help. I’m trying to make this as easy I can for Dean, but most of all for Cas, because I remember Sam. Just like you do.” Benny explained.

He squeezed Sam’s shoulder gently, and Sam could see the genuine distress in the older man’s eye. He felt a wave of guilt wash over him at being so hard on the detective.

“Go back to your brother and take him home. Hell, he is going to need you Sammy like he never has before.”

Sam watched Benny disappear just as Dr Jonson 

“Sam? I’m ready to discharge your brother. Can I suggest you take him straight home? I know that he is going to want to spend the time with Castiel, but he needs rest.” 

“I can try. I promise I will try.” Sam muttered.

He held his hand out indicating the doctor to take the lead, Sam followed him slowly knowing damn well he wasn’t going to be able to keep his brother from his husband’s side, not matter how much rest Dean needed.


	5. Chapter 5

To Sam’s surprise it was easier than he thought to get Dean back home. Dean had of course wanted to see Castiel before he left, that was to be expected. Gabriel was already in his cousin’s room but Sam could tell it would have made no difference if someone had been there or not, and it was painful to watch as Dean realised that. 

He had waited in the doorway with Gabriel as Dean had gone into Castiel’s room. He had leant in to brush his lips against his husband’s forehead. Castiel didn’t respond, he didn’t move. Instead he kept his gaze fixed on the wall in front of him. He had shut down, Sam could see that. He prayed that Gabriel would be able to get through to the man, otherwise it would be while until Castiel would be coming home. 

Dean had left the room in silence, walking past his brother and making his way to the exit. Sam had flashed Gabriel a small smile before catching up with Dean. They had made their way to where Sam had parked Dean’s impala, and the journey home had continued in silence. 

Now Sam was stood with his head down against the kitchen counter in Dean and Castiel’s small apartment. Dean had taken himself straight to the shower, Sam telling him he would make some coffee. Instead he had been stood there for a while, trying to settle his mind so he had some hope of helping his brother cope with everything. He had already told Jess he would be staying with Dean until Castiel came home. Then Gabriel would move in. Sam had also called his office telling him he would be taking some leave. They had been understanding as always, it paid to be their best lawyer.

“You going to pour me that coffee you promised?” 

Sam snapped his head up at Dean’s voice. His brother dropped down on the sofa turning slightly to fix his gaze on him. He looked exhausted, and it had been clear that he had had a good cry in the shower. His eyes were still bloodshot. Sam decided not to comment on it, he knew Dean would talk to him when he was ready and he wasn’t about to push him.

“Sorry was miles away. How you feeling?” Sam asked.

Topping up his coffee as he filled up a mug for Dean, he made his way over to the lounge. Handing Dean the cup, sitting down on one of the chairs, stretching his feet out in front of him.

“Now that’s the million dollar question isn’t it Sammy.” Dean joked, but there was no laughter in his eyes.

“Dean…be honest with me. Talk to me. Keeping things bottled up will not help you know that. Especially when Castiel learns about what’s going on.” Sam said.

“I wish he didn’t have to know.” Dean muttered.

Sam didn’t reply instead he took a sip of the caffeine in his hand. He needed sleep. He couldn’t remember the last time he had had a proper night sleep. 

“You don’t have to stay Sammy. I’ll be alright.”

Sam looked up at Dean, stifling a yawn. He had expected his brother to say this, and he was ready with his answer.  
“I’ve already told Jess I will be here until Castiel comes home. Then Gabriel will move in with you two. I’m not leaving you on your own, and besides we have a lot of movies to catch up on. It’s been too long since me and you have just chilled on the sofa watching crap.” Sam replied.

“And you’re worried I will turn back to the bottle.” 

“No. Because I know you won’t. I know that, because Castiel is far from okay and you won’t do anything that will stop you from taking care of him. I’m glad that he is going to be in hospital for a while longer. It will give you a chance to rest.” Sam told him.

“None of it matters Sam. He didn’t even acknowledge me when I went to see him. He isn’t with us…”

Sam moved to sit next to his brother, seeing the all too familiar darkness creeping into Dean. His doubt and self loathing. Sam had expected it sooner, but he supposed Dean had been so focused on Castiel that he hadn’t had the chance to let the severity of the situation settle. Now it was, and Sam knew the rejection from his husband earlier had been the thing to tip him over.

“Dean. Look at me.” Sam spoke to him.

His brother’s eyes locked with Sam’s and he bit his lip at the look in them. Dean was hurting. The reality of what they were facing was drowning him and Sam couldn’t let him give up the fight. He would let him shout, scream, cry, lash out, anything but admit defeat already. Sam didn’t even try to hide the emotion in his own words as he spoke.

“He didn’t mean it. Cas…he would never push you away, not how you are thinking. If anything you will be the only one that will be able to keep him grounded through all of this. We will get him home as soon as we can. Being trapped in those four walls aren’t going to help him. He needs you Dean. I can see you admitting defeat already, and I know why I do. I understand Dean especially when he finds out the truth of what is going on. But you can’t. Please. Throw all you want at me Dean, get angry, cry, scream I don’t care. But don’t give up. Don’t stop fighting. If not for yourself then for Castiel.” Sam pleaded with him.

“I hear what you are saying Sam. But right now…I just…I can’t do it…” 

Dean’s words caught in his throat as tears spilled. Sam wrapped him in a tight hug, allowing him to break down. He didn’t have anything to say, he understood. He knew that Dean would face tomorrow with a new attitude, but right now in that moment he just needed his little brother to hold him and let him cry. Sam wished he could tell him that it was going to be okay, but he couldn’t bring himself to lie. Everything was far from okay, and tomorrow was going to be another tough day when they went to speak to Benny. 

“I think I might try and get some sleep.” Dean said after a while.

Sam stood, making his way to the table where he had dumped the bag with Dean’s medication. Digging around he pulled out a small pot of pain killers and sleeping tablets. Grabbing a glass of water he made his way back to the sofa, handing his brother the tablets and the water.

“Here. Take some pain meds and something to help you sleep.” Sam said.

“I’m not taking any sleeping tablets Sam. What if Castiel snaps out of it, or something happen…”

“Dean. Gabe is with Cas and he won’t be leaving him any time soon. Look if you get a good amount of sleep in I promise I will take you back to the hospital for a bit.” Sam reasoned.

Dean seemed to want to argue with him, but Sam knew he had won the argument the minute he had promised that he would take Dean back to the hospital.

“Okay Sammy.” Dean muttered, knocking back the pills.

Dean didn’t say anything else, instead he stretched out on the sofa, letting his eyes close. Sam was about to tell him to go to bed, but he realised that it was probably too painful without Castiel in the house, and he wanted his brother to get some decent rest. Heading to the spare room finding a thick blanket on the bed that he had slept in many times, he returned to place it over his brother. Once he was sure Dean was asleep, he settled back in his own chair, allowing his eyes to close and grab some of sleep himself.

Castiel was aware of his husband’s lips against his forehead as he came into to say goodbye, his deep soothing voice telling him that he would be back soon. But he couldn’t respond, his mind was shutting down and he didn’t have the energy to stop it. Hearing the door shut behind Dean, Castiel turned on his side, wincing slightly at the pull of his injuries. He knew that Gabriel was still in the room and it annoyed him. He just wanted to be on his own, but no-one would let him have the space, too scared that he would snap again. He was in a god damn hospital he couldn’t do anything even it he wanted to, and he wanted to. The pain, the guilt and the grief was too much. It was suffocating him, and Castiel wished that he hadn’t survived. His brother was dead because of him. His twin brother who had always been there for him, protected him and put so much of his life on hold to help Castiel battle his pathetic demons. Jimmy had been Castiel’s light and only reason to live in the times he had slipped so far into his hell, and now he was gone all because he couldn’t control a car. He felt his body start to shake as tears spilled down his cheeks. He couldn’t do this.

A hand fell onto his shoulder causing his breath to catch in his throat, he tensed at the touch. Why couldn’t people just leave him alone.

“Go away.” He choked

“No can do Cas.” 

Castiel turned at the voice finding his psychiatrist and friend Charlie stood by his bed. She flashed him a gentle smile and despite everything Castiel felt himself settle a a little. The fiery red head had been there for him for the last three years. Since Dean had convinced him to seek help for his addiction. Charlie had worked with both Castiel and Dean on their demons. Dean had given up alcohol and Castiel had recovered from his taste for prescription medication without needing to go to rehab thanks to Charlie. She had been there helping him through the breakdown he had suffered just over a year ago, and had continued working with him weekly since. She was a solid force in his life and had become one of his closest friend. Dean had Benny, and Castiel had Charlie. 

Castiel didn’t return her smile, but he did turn to face her fully, pulling himself up to a more upright position against the pillows.

“I’m sorry. I thought you were Gabe or Dean.”   
“And that would be a problem if I was one of them?” Charlie asked gently.

Castiel could see the look of concern in her eyes, the worry lines on her forehead and he knew that it was the love that she had for him as a friend that was causing the concern. He realised that she wasn’t here on work, she was here as his best friend. Castiel felt a rush of gratitude flood over him, bringing with it a fresh set of tears.

“Oh Cas. Come here.” 

Castiel allowed Charlie to climb onto the bed and take him in her arms as he cried. He didn’t know how he still had tears to cry. Damn he was exhausted and he just wanted to go home. He knew being stuck in the room wasn’t helping his mental state. He wanted to be home, sleep in his own bed and feel his husband’s warm body next to him. Dean. He still had Dean. He had survived. It was like realisation hit him then. He needed to get out of the hospital. He needed to be home now. 

Pushing Charlie away roughly, reaching for the iv line in his arm to pull it out. A hand on his stopped him, and he felt a panic rise in him. He needed to get out. He felt trapped.

“I need to go home. I need to get out of here.” Castiel cried.

“Cas. Castiel. I need you to calm down first. They won’t let you out like this.” Charlie said calmly. “Come on, breath with me Castiel. Like we do. That’s it.”

Castiel found himself going through the technique Charlie used on him to calm him whenever he felt panic take over. He felt his body start to calm, his unease settled as he collapsed back against his pillows. He closed his eyes, trying to ground himself, gripping Charlie’s hand tighter. He could feel her run her thumb over the top of his hand, as she soothed him with gentle words. 

“Good. Now do you want to tell me what went through your mind just then? What set you off?” She asked him gently. 

Castiel opened his eyes, fixing his gaze on his best friend. Her own eyes holding a look of concern. 

“I realised I still had Dean. That I may have lost Jimmy, but Dean survived. But he’s at home, and I’m stuck here. I don’t want to be here any more Charlie. This is not helping me, I need to be back home in my own bed, surrounded by my things, normality. I need to be with Dean. I need him.” Castiel replied quietly.

Charlie nodded, squeezing his hand as she did. 

“I understand. How about I go and talk to your doctor? Your injuries are ones that can heal at home now, physically you don’t need to be in here. And I think you are right. You will heal better at home with Dean.” Charlie agreed.

Castiel flashed her a smile as she let go of his hand. Charlie leant in placing a gentle kiss to his cheek.

“I’ll be back in a bit okay. Why don’t you try and get a bit of rest.” She suggested.

Castiel simply nodded resting his head against his pillows closing his eyes. He was exhausted, he wondered how long he would be allowed to sleep before his mind started playing terrors out for him.  
Gabriel looked up from where he had been sitting, he watched as Charlie closed the door quietly behind her. He had ended up calling her first thing that morning, when Castiel wouldn’t speak to him, when he didn’t even acknowledge Dean kissing him and saying goodbye. Gabriel had panicked, seeing his cousin already shutting himself down, it had turned out Charlie had been on her way over to see her best friend anyway. She caught his eyes, flashing him a small smile as she made her way over taking a seat next to him.

“How is he? Did he speak to you?” Gabriel questioned her.

“He did. A bit. I mean he’s not good Gabe, you know that. He wants to go home, and I think it’s a good idea. He needs to be surrounded by some normality and he needs Dean. I think that’s his main focus right now. The fact that Dean is still alive is what’s grounding him.” Charlie replied.

Gabriel nodded in silence response. A feeling of unease settling over him. Charlie didn’t know about what was going and he felt she should before she made the call for Castiel to go home.

“Charlie there is something I need to talk to you about. I’m not sure if it will make a difference on your decision to get him released.” 

Charlie didn’t say anything instead she kept her gaze on Gabriel, patiently waiting for him to carry on.

“Benny came to see us at the hospital yesterday. So..erm..what happened wasn’t an accident. Someone wanted Castiel dead. Or should I say his older brother Michael wants him dead. And the worse bit is that Jimmy was talking with Michael. Benny thinks he may have had something to do with it. Set it up almost.” Gabriel explained.

He was still coming to terms with the shit show that had just begun. Having to repeat what he had been told to Charlie only made it more real and painful. He still didn’t want to believe it.

“Is Benny sure?” Charlie finally spoke.

Gabriel nodded in reply. The look on Charlie’s face didn’t do anything to ease his fear for his cousin.

“Cas doesn’t know?”

“No. We haven’t spoken to him about it. Benny said he can hold of until he comes home. But the police will need to talk to him. We can’t hide him from this.”

The silence was deafening. Gabriel wanted to leave, and not just the hospital. He wanted to leave Kansas. Sure he felt awful for thinking it, but he wasn’t sure he could face Castiel when he learnt the truth.

“It’s going to kill him isn’t it?” He whispered into the silence.

“It won’t kill him because we won’t let it. But it will break him, I won’t lie to you. All we can do is work with Castiel to help him rebuild his mind and life. Like we all have done before.” Charlie told honestly.

Gabriel nodded mutely. What could he say to that? She hadn’t told him that it would be okay. She admitted that they would likely lose a hold on Castiel for a time. But she was right, they would pull him back to the light like they had before. He just knew that this time would be harder.

Charlie patted him on the arm as she stood, flashing him a sad smile.

“Let’s just focus on a positive, and right now that’s getting him out of here and home. He’s asleep but I’m sure he will appreciate a friendly face when he wakes.”

Gabriel nodded silently, making his way back to his cousin’s room, hoping Charlie would talk his doctor into letting Castiel home.  



	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading guys.
> 
> Hope you are all staying safe. I promise in the next few chapters things will really start to pick up though it think next chapter may just be a Dean and Cas chapter. I am looking forward to writing it. 
> 
> Until then enjoy this latest instalment.
> 
> Stay safe  
> Bex  
> X

The smell of coffee was what woke Dean. It took him a few moments to register where he was. His body protested as he shifted, when his eyes finally focused he saw why. He was sprawled out on his sofa, a fleece blanket over him, his head supported by some pillows. The light that seeped into the room told him that it was morning. That was when he panicked. He remembered Sam’s promise about going back to the hospital the night before. The fact that it was morning meant he had left Castiel for a whole day, and he felt guilty. Pulling himself into a sitting position he was greeted by a cup of coffee and a bacon roll. Sam standing in his view.

“I’m not hungry Sam. I need to get to the hospital. You should have woken me. Cas is going to think I have just abandoned him…”

“You need to eat Dean. And Cas won’t think anything of the sort. I’ve just got off the phone to Gabe. Cas slept the day and night too. He must have been exhausted. Not only that but Charlie went to see him, she’s managed to get his doctor to agree to him coming home.” Sam interrupted him.

“Home? When?” Dean asked.

A feeling of uncertainty settled in his stomach. He wanted nothing more than his husband back in his arms. To feel him pressed against him, warm and safe, in their own bed. But Castiel’s mental state was far from stable. He hadn’t been told the worse of it yet, and that was what terrified Dean. Not knowing what was to come when the truth was revealed to him.

“Today. I said we would pick them up on our way back from seeing Benny.” Sam replied.

Dean took a sip of his coffee, he had tried to forget about having to go to the station. Talking to Benny just made things more real.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea Sam.” Dean muttered.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know what state my head will be in when we leave the station.” Dean snapped.

He hadn’t meant to let his temper get the better of him. But the thought of Castiel being hunted by his older brother, and then having to deal with Castiel coming home was suffocating him and he felt like he was losing grip on reality. To Sam’s credit he didn’t even flinch at Dean’s harsh tone. Instead he took a sip of his coffee, keeping his eyes fixed on Dean.

“I understand Dean. I can ask Gabe if Charlie can pick them up.” Sam suggested.

Dean sighed deeply shaking his head. Castiel would be expecting Dean to meet him, and Dean knew in his heart he should be the one to bring him home.

“It’s fine Sammy. I didn’t see him yesterday. Not really anyway. I should be the one to collect my husband from the hospital. It’s going to be unsettling enough for Cas. I need to bring some normality back into our lives.” Dean told his brother.

He placed what was left of his roll on the table, ignoring the frown from Sam. He really couldn’t face any more food, instead he drained the rest of his coffee before standing.

“I’m going to get showered and dressed. The sooner we get to the station and talk to Benny, the sooner Cas can come home. He doesn’t need to be stuck in hospital any longer. It won’t be helping him.”

“Dean. Just remember it’s not all about Castiel. You’re hurting too. You aren’t on your own.” Sam told him gently.

“I know Sammy, and I promise I will talk to you if I need too. But right now it is all about Castiel. Especially when he learns the truth.” 

Sam simply flashed him a small smile, which Dean returned with his own sad one. He turned and headed upstairs to the shower. It was going to be a long day.

“Thank you for coming in early. It means I have the chance to go through what we talk about today.” Benny said.

Sam glanced at his brother as the detective took a seat at his desk. He and Dean were sat in the comfy leather chairs on the other side. Dean was slumped in his not meeting Benny’s eye. Sam was beyond worried about his brother. Dean wasn’t coping, but he knew that his main concern was Castiel. Sam understood that, and he also knew that Dean had meant what he said. He would open up to Sam if he felt he was sinking too far into a dark place. If not for himself, then for the sake of his husband.

“First though. How are you brother?” Benny asked.

Dean shrugged slightly, picking at a loose strand of material on his shirt.

“I’m fine Benny. Or I will be once I’m out of here and back at the hospital to bring my husband home.” Dean replied.

There was an icy edge to his tone and Sam sent Benny an apologetic look. Benny shook his head slightly in reply. Sam knew Benny wouldn’t take anything personally, and not for the first time was he grateful to call the detective a friend.

“Castiel is coming home? That’s great news.” Benny grinned.

Dean didn’t reply, sitting silently. Sam knew his mind was in overdrive about the whole situation. Sam couldn’t wait for Castiel to be home. It would give Dean a focus, and also the much needed physical grounding he craved, the love only a husband could give.

“It is. It’s much needed. For every one. He still doesn’t know about what’s going on. But he will be home, and hopefully that will make things easier on Cas.” Sam replied.

“Look Benny, I really don’t see the point of me being here. I can’t help you. This is news to me just as it is to everyone else.” Dean snapped.

Sam held back a retort. He understood Dean’s frustration, but he didn’t have to be so rude. He was grateful for Benny’s calm presence. The detective closed the file that had been open in front of him, leaning back slightly in his chair, eyes fixed on Dean.

“I’m aware of that Dean. That’s not, in truth, why I asked you here. I wanted to go through measures that we need to put in place to protect you and Castiel. We need you safe while this investigation is going on.” 

Dean’s eyes narrowed and Sam felt him tense under the hand, he hadn’t realised he had put on his brother’s arm.

“What type of measures exactly?” Dean questioned.

“From today there will be two officers watching your house 24/7. You will have an emergency number that goes direct to them…”

“It can’t be from today.” Dean interrupted him.

“This is not up for discussion Dean. I know Cas doesn’t know about this, but you don’t get a say in your safety.” Benny told him firmly.

Sam was glade the detective wasn’t taking his brother’s shit. It was obvious that Benny was finding the whole situation just as hard as everyone else close to the pair. Sam had a feeling the security measures that had been put in place were a lit to do with Benny and his need to do as much as he could for his friends.

“What about when they go out?” Sam asked.

“The police will follow.”

There was a moment of silence as Benny let this information sink in with Dean, before he continue speaking.

“There is something else Dean. I really need to talk to Castiel…”

Dean slammed his hand down on the table before pushing his chair back and standing. Sam watched as his brother started to pace the room.

“Damn it Benny. He comes home today. It’s been two days since he learnt about Jimmy’s death. Can’t you give him a break.” Dean spat.

“I wish I could Dean. But the longer we leave things the more dangerous it becomes. I can give you another day. It’s Wednesday now. How about I come by and see you Friday afternoon?” Benny suggested.

Dean ran a hand through his hair in agitation, but Sam could see his body let go of the tension in a sign of defeat. Dean knew just as Sam did, that they really couldn’t put the inevitable off any longer. Benny was being generous enough as it was.

“Fine. Friday. But I’m having Charlie present.” Dean agreed.

“I’m happy for you to have whoever you need. I’m very aware that this will be hard on Castiel.”

Dean laughed bitterly, dropping down on the chair again.

“Hard is an understatement. It’s going to fucking destroy him. Everything we’ve worked on, all the progress he has made to get him where he is now…will be gone.” Dean muttered.

“I’m sorry Dean. I really am. But I promise it will only be me that comes. It’s not how we normally do things, I normally have a partner with me, but Charlie is a medical professional she can fill that space. I don’t want to add any unnecessary stress to an already impossible situation.” Benny explained.

Dean didn’t reply. Sam’s heart went out to his older brother. He was going to be there on Friday, for Dean more than Castiel. Ready to comfort him.

“Do you need anything else from us Benny?” Sam asked.

The detective shook his head, standing as he did so. He walked round his desk to open the door.

“No. Go and get Cas and take him home. I will see you both Friday.” Benny replied.

Sam stood pulling Dean up with him. He hugged Benny tightly, before stepping back to let Dean embrace him.

“Take care of yourself brother. We’ll get through this.” Benny muttered.

Dean didn’t answer, but Sam noticed him hug his best friend tighter at his words. Finally he let go, walking past Sam as he muttered.

“Come on Sammy. I need to see my husband.”

Dean barely waited for Sam to stop the impala in the hospital car park before he was out the door. All he had thought about since they had left the station was Castiel. To be able to pull him in his arms, kiss him, feel his warmth and love. It felt like a life time since they had the moment, and Dean decided he would reject either Sam or Gabriel staying with them that night. He just wanted to be alone with his husband, and he had a feeling Castiel would crave the same. Dean wasn’t the most physical person, but Castiel was. Very much so. He craved the connection by touch, especially when he was having a dark day, which hadn’t been often lately, though Dean knew that was about to change, that they would be holding out for the good days. Castiel was going to be fragile and vulnerable, meaning his need for touch and reassurance would be great, it would be the only thing that would ground him, and Dean wasn’t about to refuse his husband’s need for affection and love.

Dean grabbed the overnight bag, that he had hastily packed that morning. Some warm clothing and toiletries so that Castiel could change and freshen up a little before he left the hospital. Dean had already made his mind up that he would run Castiel a bath once they got home, fill it with his favourite smelling bubbles and force him to relax. Dean knew that this night would be the only night of peace they would have, and he was going to make the most of it. Him and Sam had spoken about telling Castiel what was going on. They had both come to the agreement that they would speak with him the night before Benny came. Sam would talk with Charlie about being there for that too. Dean knew they would need all the support they could get. 

Walking fast to the entrance he walked in, moving straight to the elevator knowing exactly where he needed to go. His body trembled with anticipation, a nervous energy rushing through him. The door opened, the receptionist smiled at him in greeting.

“I’ve come to collect Castiel Winchester. He’s going home today….”

“Dean!”

Dean spun round at the sound of Gabriel’s voice as the older man come towards him. Dean flashed him a nervous smile.

“Thank god you are here. You best get your arse into his room. He’s starting to get agitated. He just wants to go home now, but I think most of it is because he wants to see you. He’s missed you.” Gabriel said.

Dean nodded, following Gabriel to his husband’s room. He could see Charlie trying to settle him as Castiel paced back and forth, clenching and unclenching his fist. Dean pushed down his own nervous energy. Seeing the state his husband was in sent him into protective mode. Castiel needed to calm down before they would discharge him, the last thing they needed was for them to tell him he couldn’t go home. Taking a deep breath he walked into the room, forcing a lightness to his tone.

“You giving Charlie a hard time babe.”

The look of relief on Charlie’s face was followed by a huge grin. Dean realised he hadn’t seen her since he had woken up and left hospital, so he wasn’t surprised when he felt her arms wrap round him in a tight hug as she whispered in his ear.

“He’s all yours.”

Then she was gone, closing the door behind her as she did so, leaving them alone. Castiel had stopped his pacing, he just stood staring at Dean. Dean grinned at him as he dumped the bag the bed. He stood and waited, keeping his eyes on his husband, letting Castiel come to him. He felt the pools of blue sweep over him, seeking through to his soul like Castiel always could. His eyes were Dean’s favourite part of Castiel. He never got tired of looking into them, always so curious and seeking, the colour of the bluest of skies, and so gentle. He would see the love and trust held in them, and it melted Dean every time. Knowing that he meant that much to someone.

“Dean? I thought…You’re alive.” Castiel muttered.

“I am. And so are you. And that’s what we have to focus on Cas.” Dean told him gently.

Castiel dropped his gaze to the floor, Dean saw his shoulders begin to shake and he rushed forward to engulf him in a tight hug, just as Castiel let his tears fall. Dean felt him tighten his grip on him, burying his head in Dean’s chest.

“I must admit Cas. This wasn’t how I expected our first lucid moment together going. Didn’t expect the tears just yet.” Dean tried to joke.

Castiel pulled away slightly from him, wincing as he did and Dean remembered that he had suffered from broken ribs, they would still be healing. He was going to be in pain for a while yet. Castiel lifted his hand up to cup Dean’s cheek, running a finger over his lips before he pressed his own against Dean’s. Dean closed his eyes, allowing Castiel to deepen it. Damn he had missed him. They pulled away resting their foreheads against each other, just breathing each other in, just being.

“I love you so much.” Castiel whispered. 

“I love you more. Now let’s get you dressed so we can get out of here before you break down on me again.” Dean said.

Castiel managed a slight smile, stepping away from him. Dean watched as he moved to the bed, pulling out the sweat pants and thick hoody Dean had grabbed. He rummaged around a bit more, dumping the trainers on the floor, before looking back over at him raising an eyebrow as he did.

“No underwear?” Castiel smirked.

“I don’t plan on you being in those clothes for very long my love.” Dean replied simply.

Castiel bit his lip, dropping his gaze. Dean noticed a slightly tinge to his cheeks. He loved nothing more than winding Castiel up. Teasing him. He was snapped out of his pleasure when he noticed Castiel struggling to get his top off. Dean moved to him, gently bringing his arms down.

“Here, let me help you. You’ve broken ribs Cas. They are going to take a while to heal.” Dean told him.

Castiel didn’t fight him which Dean was slightly surprised about. He expected it. What he didn’t expect was what greeted him when he removed his husband’s clothing. The white bandage that had been covering his torso a few days ago was gone, revealing the true extent of Castiel’s injuries. The bruising covered a good part of his once flawless skin, the colouring ugly. Dean ran his finger gently over the bruises, his actions causing Castiel to shiver in response. 

“They will fade eventually Dean.” Castiel said.

His voice snapped Dean out of his trance, reminding him that Castiel was stood naked in the room, shivering slightly at the chill. He cursed himself, quickly grabbing the hoodie. He helped Castiel in, wincing at the whimpers coming from his husband as he was forced to move slightly causing his body to scream in protest. Castiel wasn’t able to bend well either, so Dean had to help him pull his sweat pants up. His tongue subconsciously running across his lips as he fingers brushed against Castiel’s groin, trailing along his skin as he moved the pants further up. Castiel shuddered, and Dean knew that it wasn’t from the cold, that one had been from pleasure. Getting up from his position on the floor Dean just gazed down at his husband as Castiel wriggled the rest of the way into his pants, standing himself so that they were so close. A wanton looked swept into Castiel’s gaze, and it took all of Dean’s will power not to throw Castiel onto the hospital bed and have him right there. He knew Castiel was thinking the same. Instead he pushed his husband away gently, with a reassuring dirty grin.

“Later handsome.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the support.
> 
> Hope you are all staying safe
> 
> Bex  
> X

Castiel sighed deeply as he eased his body into the hot water. Closing his eyes letting the heat sink into his aching bones. His ribs were still painful with any movement, even breathing hurt and the various other parts of him that were bruised added a dull underlying pain.

The journey home had been a quiet one. Dean had taken the front seat, but never took his eyes off Castiel the whole time. Castiel couldn’t really blame him, the panic attack that he had suffered before getting into the car would have worried Dean. It had been fine once Castiel allowed his mind to settle and push the irrational fear of cars away. Dean had assured him there was nothing wrong with freaking out about getting into a car after all they had been through, but Castiel was determined not to let something else inflict fear on his already fragile mind.

Once they had got home Dean had gone straight to run Castiel a bath, hot and with his favourite scent. Castiel had let him fuss over him, he knew Dean needed to feel useful. It was his way of coping with things, but Castiel was grateful for the moment of peace to relax.

It didn’t take long though, for his mind to start taunting him about the accident. To let the blame and guilt settle in him over Jimmy’s death. He wondered if he had missed the funeral. He didn’t remember anyone mentioning anything of one. Not that he deserved to say goodbye to his brother, it was his fault he was dead. 

“Cas? Are you with me? Cas what’s wrong?” 

It was Dean’s voice forcing Castiel too look up to see him knelt down next to the bath. Dean reached a hand up to brush away tears Castiel hadn’t even realised he had shed. 

“Where was Jimmy buried?” Castiel asked 

A look Castiel didn’t recognise spread across Dean’s face, but was gone just as quick as it had appeared. Replaced by a sad smile that didn’t quite reach Dean’s eyes.

“Jimmy’s funeral hasn’t been held yet.” Dean replied.

“Why? It’s been over two weeks since the accident.”

“Because we were waiting for you Cas. It wouldn’t have been right if you weren’t there to say goodbye.” Dean said.

Castiel watched his husband closely. Dean was quick to drop his gaze, absently running his fingers up and down Castiel’s arm. Normally such a touch would cause havoc to his body, but Dean was holding something back from Castiel. Something wasn’t right and an uneasy feeling settled over him. 

“Dean? What is it? What aren’t you telling me?” Castiel asked.

Dean didn’t answer straight away, the fact he wouldn’t meet Castiel’s eye either only fulled his temper. He had always been able to see right though Dean. Castiel was the only person Dean couldn’t lie to, he had told Castiel that much not long after that had met.

“Dean what the hell aren’t you telling me?” Castiel snapped.

Dean looked at him then, there was so much pain and fear in his beautiful greens eyes that it made Castiel feel sick to the stomach as panic rushed into him.

“Dean please. What’s going on?” Castiel begged him.

“Why don’t you get out the bath, dried and in some clothes. Then we can talk.” Dean suggested.

Castiel nodded in silent response as Dean brushed his lips against his cheek before getting up and leaving the bathroom. Castiel stayed in the bath for a few moments longer, suddenly wishing he hadn’t asked. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know any more not after seeing the look in Dean’s eyes.

The moment Dean had left Castiel he had called Charlie. He couldn’t do this alone. Dean made his way to the lounge, knowing that Castiel would be ready before Charlie got there. Dropping down on the sofa, taking a deep breath, running a hand through his hair in frustration. This wasn’t how their first night together was meant to go. Dean knew that he had to speak to Castiel about Jimmy, he had seen the anger and panic in his husband as he demanded to know what was going on. Dean had never been able to lie to Castiel. Nor had he been able to hide anything from him. Castiel wouldn’t have settled that night until he knew the truth. Dean just hadn’t been mentally prepared to speak to him about it now.

“It’s time to talk Dean.” 

Dean flinched at the slight ice to his husband’s voice. Castiel was pissed, but Dean knew that his anger was because he was panicking. Dean took a deep breath, standing to move to where Castiel was stood in the doorway of the lounge. As Dean approached him, Castiel stepped back instinctively, a wary look in his eyes. Dean stopped just short of him holding his hands up slightly as he did, he knew what Castiel could get like when something upset him.

“Cas…please. Come and sit down. You know I’m not going to hurt you my angel.” Dean soothed.

“Just tell me what’s going on Dean.”

Dean paused for a moment trying to figure out how best to tell Castiel. He hoped Charlie wasn’t too far away. 

“The reason Jimmy hasn’t been laid to rest yet Cas is because what happened wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t your fault…”

“I don’t understand. I was driving, of course it was my fault.” Castiel interrupted him.

Dean stepped closer to him, this time Castiel didn’t back away. He reached out taking one of Castiel’s hand in his, running a thumb over the top of it, hoping the gesture would be enough to sooth him.

“Cas….someone wanted you dead. Benny thinks that it is your brother Michael.” Dean told him gently.

Dean waited, watching as his world came crashing down, as his husband shattered again, and all that they had fought against to get Castiel where he was now disappeared. Dean could feel Castiel tremble under his touch, what little colour he had regained, draining from his face.

“You’re lying.” Castiel whispered.

“I wish I was Castiel. But it’s the truth. Benny found messages on Jimmy’s phone…”

“NO! He wouldn’t do that…he wouldn’t hurt me….I’m going to be sick.” 

Castiel pulled away from Dean, making it to the kitchen sink just in time to throw up. Dean was at his side, rubbing his back.

“I don’t understand…why….” 

Dean wrapped an arm round his husband, guiding him to the sofa. Castiel leant heavily against him. Easing Castiel down, Dean sat next to him, keeping his arm round Castiel, to pull him flush against him.

“Why would Jimmy do that…I don’t….it’s a lie…it has to be. Benny has to b wrong he has to be.” Castiel muttered.

Dean knew that he wasn’t really talking to him, he had seen this happen before. He had watched Castiel slip into his own mind, zone out from Dean, hours later he had ended up being admitted and being kept in hospital for two months while he recovered from an emotional and mental breakdown. Dean could feel himself start to panic, he couldn’t let Castiel be taken from him again.

A knock at the door brought him from his thoughts. He let Castiel go, noting that he didn’t even react to Dean leaving his side. Dean pushed down his panic as he made his way to the door, pulling it open to find Charlie and Sam on the other side. The relief that rushed through him brought him to tears as he hugged them both tightly. He was so grateful that Charlie had thought to call his brother.

“Where is he?” Charlie asked.

“He’s on the sofa…Charlie he…it’s like before…”

“Let’s talk to him Dean. See where he’s mind is. Then we will figure out the next step. This is going to be a lot for him to handle, on top of losing Jimmy. We need to give him a chance, I wont have him admitted unless I really feel like I have to.” Charlie told him firmly.

Dean nodded silently, following Charlie back into the lounge. Castiel had curled into himself on the sofa, still muttering to himself, body shaking. Dean stopped, letting Charlie go to him.

“Dean I need you here.” Charlie called to him.

He felt his brother squeeze his shoulder, Sam taking a seat on the chair opposite the sofa, while Dean sat down next to his husband. Charlie gave him a gentle nod, encouraging him to place his hand onto Castiel’s back. To Dean’s surprise the moment he touched him Castiel turned and buried himself into Dean’s arms. Hands curling into his shirt. Dean held him close, running a hand through his hair to sooth him.

“Don’t let him come. Please don’t let him come.” Casitel begged.

“Castiel, can you tell me who it is you don’t want to come?” Charlie asked him gently.

Dean knew to keep quiet, that his job was to comfort Castiel. It was now up to Charlie to try and bring him back to them.

“I can’t. If I do he will punish me.” 

“Cas…sweetheart can you tell me where you are?” Charlie questioned.

Castiel moved slightly in Dean’s arms so that he could look at where Charlie was knelt next to him, but his grip didn’t loosen, in fact Dean was sure that he had tightened it.

“I’m home.” 

“Yes you are. Which home Cas? How old are you?”

“13…he’s gone…I think…no…I’m 33 and I am here with Dean, and you….and…Sam.” Castiel muttered, his eyes darting round the room.

Dean sent Sam a terrified look, his brother’s eyes showing just as much concern.

“Charlie…” Dean started.

Charlie held her hand up shaking her head, now was not the time for him to question anything. He needed to keep quiet, needed to let her work on Castiel so that they could at least settle him for the night. 

“That’s right Castiel. We are all here and you are safe. There are police outside watching the house, me, Sam and Dean will be here too….”

“Gabriel…where is he? He needs to be here….” Castiel panicked.

Dean tightened his grip on his husband as he went to move away from him.

“It’s okay Cas, I’m on it, I will go and pick him up and bring him back here okay?” Sam offered.

“Thank you Sam.” Castiel replied.

Sam just flashed him a smile as he stood. He left quickly, calling Gabriel as he did.

“They won’t be long. Do you want to tell me what you are thinking Castiel?” Charlie asked, taking a seat on his other side. Castiel curled into Dean more as she did.

“I…I don’t want to talk about it…I can’t. I just want it to stop.” Castiel whispered.

“What do you want me to stop Castiel?”

Castiel brought a finger to his temple tapping slightly.

“This.” 

“I have something that I can give you. I think you know what it is Castiel…”

“Yes. You are putting me back on my medication because I am mad and I should never have believed that I could live a normal life.” Castiel interrupted.

“I am putting you back on your meds yes, but don’t you dare think its your fault sweetheart. It isn’t and it won’t be forever. Once this is all over we will work just as hard as we did before to get you off them okay?” Charlie assured him.

Castiel nodded quietly in response. Dean stayed silent, he didn’t know what to say even if he could speak. He knew Charlie was keeping Castiel calm, but Dean saw what was going on. Castiel was slipping from him again and he was so scared that they wouldn’t be able to bring him back this time. 

“I’m tired.” Castiel muttered.

Dean shook himself mentally, realising that Charlie had disappeared no doubt to go and get Castiel’s meds. 

“You want to head to bed?” Dean asked.

Castiel nodded, moving away from Dean and standing. Dean went to stand with him, to go with him but Castiel shook his head. 

“I would like to be alone for a bit please.” He said quietly.

Dean went to say something, but stopped himself, seeing the pleading look in his husband’s eyes. He saw Charlie stood in the doorway holding a glass of water and some tablets. 

“Okay my angel. I’ll be here if you need me.” Dean replied.

Charlie glanced at Dean, before following Castiel to their room. He hoped that somewhere in those meds was a mild sedative. Enough to knock Castiel out, and give him a break from whatever was going on in his head right at that moment. Dean was scared, terrified that his husband was about to break worst than he had before, and there was no way of knowing when that would happen. Leaning back on the chair Dean sat in the silence, the only noise was the sound of quiet voices coming from their room as Charlie settled Castiel. He knew when she came back she would want to talk to him, and for once he would talk. He had promised Sam that if things got too much he would, right at that moment he was feeling overwhelmed, he needed to talk. He needed to understand and he needed to be told how he could help his husband through this.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the endless support. Sundays will always be update days on my stories so keep an eye out.
> 
> Stay safe guys.
> 
> Bex   
> X

Half an hour later Charlie joined Dean on the sofa. Sam had called telling Dean they were picking up food on the way home, Dean wasn’t hungry but he couldn’t be bothered to argue with his brother about it, he would eat just to shut them up. 

“How is he?” Dean asked

“He’s asleep.”

“Did you give him a sedative?” 

“No. The medication I have put him on calms his mind, but there aren’t sedatives amongst them. For now I want to avoid using them just because of Castiel’s history with addiction. But he’s tired Dean. This will be a lot for him to deal with emotionally. It’s going to exhaust him, especially when we add the trauma of speaking to Benny. He will dig deeper into his past, he will have to so that he can understand motives. Once we have got through that hurdle we will have a better understanding of Castiel’s mental and emotional state, and what our next steps will be to help him.” Charlie explained.

“What do I do Charlie?” Dean asked quietly.

“Love him Dean. Honestly that’s the best you can do. It’s going to be hard, I’m not going to lie to you. But you will be Castiel’s light Dean. I truly think you will be the only person that will be able to ground him, comfort him on bad days.” Charlie replied gently.

Dean stayed silent, processing what Charlie had said. How had things got so out of control? They were normal people. A normal couple, one a bar owner the other a writer. Both had their demons, but they never hurt anyone. Castiel was one of the most gentle and genuine people Dean had ever met. There was a reason why he called Castiel his angel. The man truly was one, sure he was fragile and broken, but that just made him more special in Dean’s eyes. Why would anyone want him dead? What was so wrong with his husband that he was hunted by his family.

“Everyday is going to be a bad day.” Dean muttered.

He felt a light touch to his arm, forcing him to look up at Charlie. Her professional manner was gone, right now she was his friend. 

“Then you turn it into a good day Dean. No matter how impossible it might seem.”

“Why did he answer he was 13 first when you asked him? Where was he Charlie?” Dean asked.

“It was the age his father and brother left, you know that. I have found a pattern with Castiel, when his mind shatters he slips back to that age. I’m not entirely sure why, it wasn’t a good time for him. But he is always there. The good things is, he snapped out of it quickly. Came back to reality quicker than he has done before and that gives me some hope…”

“Just some?” Gabriel interrupted

“Some is better then none Gabe.” Charlie pointed out.

Gabriel ignored Charlie, instead he turned to Dean.

“Where’s my cousin?”

“He’s in our room. Asleep. Gabe please don’t disturb him, he needs to rest.” Dean begged him.

“I’m not going to wake him Dean. I just want to see him, make sure he is safe. I know he is but…I need to for my own peace of mind.” Gabriel told him.

Dean nodded, he understood. He wanted nothing more than to be in bed with his husband, but he knew that they all needed to talk, to discuss what was going to happen next, and how they could make this as easy for Castiel as possible.

“How are you doing?” Sam asked

Dean glanced at Charlie, the look in her eyes was telling him to be honest with his brother. Dean sighed deeply pushing away the offered plate of food. He really wasn’t hungry. 

“I’m not okay Sammy. Truth be told I’m terrified. I don’t know what to do or how to make this better. I can’t stop my husband’s pain and it makes me feel shit. All I’ve been told to do is to love him, comfort him on bad days which let’s be honest that’s going to be everyday now…I just…this isn’t fair Sam. He doesn’t deserve this. Castiel is a good person, he doesn’t deserve to be hunted, to be beaten down by his own family.” Dean cried.

He felt Sam’s arms wrap around him and pull him close, he let him, he let the tears fall. He felt useless, not to mention exhausted he didn’t remember the last time he had had a good night sleep.

“When was the last time you slept Dean?” Sam asked him.

Dean pulled away using his sleeve to wipe away the tears. He shrugged slightly.

“I don’t know Sam. Not since I have left the hospital. Not really.. It just one thing after another right now, and Cas needs me…”

“But you won’t be much use to him if you aren’t looking after yourself Dean. You know that.” Charlie interrupted him.

“Dean. Cas is asking for you.” Gabriel said.

Dean looked up at where the man had just entered the room. He looked devastated, Dean felt his heart go out to him. It couldn’t be easy for Gabriel to see his cousin suffering like this. Dean had to remind himself that Gabriel would have seen all this before, would have been there with Castiel though the years after his family fell apart, would have helped Jimmy bring up his brother. 

“I should go to him.” Dean muttered.

“Sleep Dean. I don’t want to see you back out here until tomorrow morning. You both need to rest. We promised Cas we would stay and we will.” Charlie told him firmly.

Dean simply nodded, standing and heading into his room. He found Castiel sat up on the bed, his body pressed against the headboard as he stared absently ahead. Dean took a seat next to him, reaching out and placing a hand on Castiel’s arm.

“Cas? I thought you were asleep.” Dean said.

Castiel turned to look at him, flashing him a tired smile as he placed his hand over Dean’s own, squeezing it tightly.

“I pretended to be so that Charlie would leave me alone. I just wanted some time to you know, process everything. Try and make sense of what is going on.” Castiel admitted.

“And have you?”

Castiel shook his head dropping his gaze down to where his hand was on Dean’s. Dean kicked off his shoes and moved onto the bed, stretching out, wrapping an arm around his husband’s shoulder pulling him close. Castiel pulled his hand from Dean’s arm, curling into him, his own arms wrapping tightly around Dean’s waste, resting his head on Dean’s chest. Dean gently ran his fingers through Castiel’s hair, placing a kiss to the top of his head.

“I don’t know what to think Dean. I don’t know what to believe and I don’t understand what the hell is going on. But Dean can I ask you to be honest with me?” Castiel asked him.

“Of course my angel. You know I will always be honest with you.” Dean replied.

“Do you think I’m worthless? That I’m a waste of space? Why are you with me Dean when everyone would be better off without me.” Castiel muttered.

Dean felt his blood run cold at Castiel’s words. Felt his heart break as he realised just how fragile his husband was right now, how one wrong move would be enough to rip Castiel from them no matter how much they tried to hold on to him. He wanted to find Micheal and kill him, make him suffer the way he had made his little brother suffer for all these years. 

Dean trailed his fingers down to Castiel’s chin, forcing him to look up at him. There was so much pain in his husband’s eyes, as they shone with tears that threatened to spill. It took all that Dean had to not let his own tears fall again. He had to be strong for Castiel right now, he couldn’t let Castiel see him cry, not yet.

“Castiel listen to me. You are one of the most beautiful humans I have ever met. Your soul is so pure, so genuine I often think I don’t deserve your love. That I don’t deserve to call you my husband. You are not worthless Castiel and what is going on right now isn’t fair. But we are going to get through this, you are going to be okay. I promise I am right here we all are. But please don’t ever think we are better off without you. If I lost you Cas I would die…I cant live without you my angel and that’s the truth.” Dean told him.

Castiel’s resolve broke at Dean’s words, as he pressed his lips hard against Dean’s own. Dean felt himself deepen the kiss as his hands trailed up the side of Castiel’s body, he could feel his husband tremble under his touch.

“Dean…I can’t…I’m sorry….I just….” 

Dean pulled away resting his head against Castiel’s. He understood, and he cursed himself for being so insensitive, for putting his needs first.

“I’m sorry Cas. I’ve just missed you so much.” Dean muttered.

“I’ve missed you too, but I can’t. I’m sorry Dean…I’ve let you down…”

“No. No Cas you haven’t. It’s fine okay. I’m going to go and shower and get ready for bed, then how about we both try and get some sleep?” Dean stopped him.

Castiel nodded silently. Dean leant in, kissing him gently on the lips, before getting off the bed and making his way to the bathroom. Closing the door behind him he let his tears fall. He had never been one to cry, but since he had woken from his coma he hadn’t seem to be able to stop the tears from coming. Stripping out of his cloths, flicking the shower on, stepping in he let the burning water wash over him as he cried. He knew that Castiel had low self esteem and self hate, and it had taken Dean time to learn how to deal with someone else’s pain, realising that Castiel had been in a more fragile state then he had been was what saved Dean from his hell. But Castiel had never once asked him if had thought him worthless, a waste of space, but now he had and it was unknown territory for Dean, it terrified him.

Taking a deep breath Dean switched the shower off, stepping out to dry himself. He took a long look in the mirror, the bags under his eyes showed up his exhaustion and he couldn’t deny how much he was looking forward to getting into bed and snuggling up to his husband. Wrapping the towel around his waist, he left the bathroom. He could hear voices coming from the lounge but he couldn’t be bothered to stop and listen to what was being said. Stopping in the doorway of their room to cast his gaze upon the bed, Castiel had got undressed and in bed where he was now sleeping deeply. Dean knew he wouldn’t wake, the steady rise and fall of his chest was settling despite the bruising still on it. Dean’s bruising was healing quicker than Castiel’s but he heard that Castiel had suffered more internal injury than he had. 

Pulling on a pair of pj bottoms, chucking his towel on the floor Dean climbed into bed next to his husband, instinct had Castiel turned into him in a moment and Dean wrapped his arms protectively around him, placing a gentle kiss to his forehead as he did.

“You’re safe Cas I promise. Benny will find your brother, lock him up and we can go back to our lives. We can be happy, like we damn well deserve to be.” Dean muttered.

Settling back against the pillows, closing his eyes allowing sleep to take him, savouring the warmth of the man he loved next to him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank for the support lovelies. I am studying and working on new books which means I work on these stories in my spare time. I will try and keep updates weekly but...well life.
> 
> Stay safe  
> Bex

The smell of bacon woke Dean the following morning. Opening his eyes, taking a few moments to get his bearings, as he stretched. A smile spread across his lips as he glanced down at the body pressed close to him. Castiel was still sound asleep, to Dean’s relief he had slept soundly through the night, so had he come to think of it.

Not wanting to wake his husband, Dean carefully removed himself from the bed, grabbing his robe as he followed his nose to the kitchen. He found Sam making pancakes, while Gabriel and Charlie sat around the table talking quietly. The conversation stopped when Charlie looked up, flashing Dean a smile.

“Morning Dean. Cas still asleep?” She greeted him.

“Yeah he is, he slept the night.” Dean replied 

He took a seat at the table, his mind dancing back to the conversation he had with his husband the previous night. He still couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that had come with Castiel asking Dean if he thought him worthless. Voicing his thoughts on not being good enough. He felt like the others needed to know what Castiel had said, but it didn’t mean he didn’t feel like he was betraying Castiel’s trust.

“Is everything okay Dean?” Sam asked.

Dean looked up as a plate of bacon and pancakes appeared in front of him, a coffee was also placed down. He smiled a thank you, picking up the fork and picking idly at the food. He could feel three pairs of eyes on him as he did so. He knew they were worried by the fact he hadn’t tucked right in. Sighing deeply he dropped the fork, running a hand over his face.

“No Sam. Everything isn’t okay. None of this is okay. And Castiel…he…I’m worried about him. He scared me last night, and I can’t get my head around what he said…” Dean trailed off.

“What did he say Dean?” Gabriel asked him.

“I asked him if he thought I was worthless. If he thought I was a waste of space. I asked Dean why he was with me, because lets be honest if I wasn’t around none of this would have happened. Jimmy would still be alive, and you guys would be safe.” Castiel said.

Dean tensed at his husband’s voice. He could feel his eyes boring into his back. Castiel wasn’t angry, but Dean knew he was hurt that Dean was going to tell them about what they had spoken about. He couldn’t bring himself to turn to face him, he couldn’t bare to see the glimmer of hurt in those beautiful blue eyes.

“Cas..” Gabriel started.

“Don’t. Just don’t say anything please Gabe.” Castiel stopped him.

Dean felt the chair next to him pull out and he knew that Castiel had taken a seat next to him. Dean forced himself to look up, locking eyes with his husband. There was a look held in them that Dean couldn’t quite read. Staying silent he waited for Castiel to speak.

“Will you ring Benny please. Tell him I want to speak with him.” 

“Cas…he is coming over tomorrow. Maybe you should just rest today.” Dean suggested.

“Ring him Dean. I want to speak with him today. I want to get it over with.” Castiel told him.

“Castiel, Dean is right, you could do with a day…” 

Charlie was stopped as a hand slammed down on the table causing the others to flinch at the noise. Dean tensed at the anger that laced Castiel’s words.

“I am sick of people telling me what is best for me. I can think for myself you know. I haven’t gone fucking mad yet.” 

The silence that settled over the room was suffocating. No one dared move or speak for fear of upsetting Castiel further. Dean knew he had a temper, but Castiel very rarely showed it. It was another sign of just how volatile Castiel was at that moment. Taking a deep breath Dean placed a hand on his husband’s arm, to his relief Castiel didn’t pull away, but Dean could feel the tension in his body.

“No one thinks you’re mad Cas. I will call Benny as soon as we have finished breakfast okay? Will you please eat something.” Dean said.

Castiel pulled his arm away from Dean’s hand nodding in reply. Sam placed a plate of food down in front of him, which Castiel ate in silence. Dean flicked his gaze to Charlie, she was watching Castiel intently, Dean couldn’t read the look on her face and he was glad. He didn’t want to know what she was thinking, he knew it wouldn’t be good. 

Dean kept to his word and two hours later he opened the door to his oldest friend, giving Benny a friendly hug as he did.

“Hey brother.” Benny greeted him.

“Thanks for coming at such short notice.” Dean said.

He stepped aside to let Benny in, shutting the door behind him, Dean grabbed his arm stopping him from continuing into the lounge. The detective turned to face him, a patient look in his eyes as he waited for Dean to speak.

“I know you are going to have to dig deep Benny. I understand that, and I understand why, but I beg you to be as gentle as you can. He isn’t good. Charlie put him back on his medication only yesterday so his mind is still so vulnerable right now. He is so close to the edge, he is not dealing with it all, not processing what’s going on. Benny just please be careful.” Dean pleaded.

Benny flashed him a small smile.

“I promise you Dean I will only push as much as I have to. If it seems like it’s overwhelming Cas too much I will stop. You have my word. Who’s here?” 

“Just me and Charlie. Sam thought it would be too much if him and Gabe were here too. Cas wanted us all here last night, he had a freak out at the thought of someone hunting us all. He reluctantly let the other two go today. He’s just all over the place at the moment.” Dean replied. 

Benny nodded in reply as Dean moved past him to lead them both back into the lounge. Castiel had curled himself into his favourite corner on the sofa, his gaze fixed on the steaming liquid in his cup. Charlie was sat opposite him in a chair, though she stood when she saw Dean and Benny enter.

“Good to see you Benny. Do you want to a coffee? I just put a fresh pot on.” Charlie offered.

Benny nodded in thanks before taking a seat on the chair she had just vacated. 

“How you doing Cas?”

“I’m fine Benny. Thank you for coming over. I know you and Dean had organised a visit for tomorrow. I hope I haven’t put you out.” Castiel replied evenly.

Dean caught Benny’s eye. He saw the moment the detective understood what Dean had meant, and he felt a sense of relief wash over him knowing Benny would tread carefully. He was also grateful Charlie was with them.

“You could never put me out my friend. I always have time for you Castiel, especially now. If you want to talk I am ready to listen.” Benny assured him.

Castiel looked up then. Dean didn’t fail to notice the look of shook that flickered across his friend’s face for the briefest of moments. Dean didn’t blame him. From where he was stood next to Benny he could see the intense and wired look in Castiel’s big blue eyes. Dean’s instincts took him to sit next to Castiel, but he didn’t make the move to touch his husband. Castiel’s body was trembling slightly from anxiety and Dean wished he could make this easier for him.

“What do you need to know Detective?” Castiel asked.

Dean heard the quiver to Castiel’s tone, he was scared. That was when Dean reached over to take Castiel’s hand in his, he felt his husband grip it tightly.

“It’s okay Cas. I’m here.” Dean soothed.

Benny leant forward holding Castiel’s gaze with a steady soft one of his own as he pulled out his tape recorder. Dean ran his thumb over his husband’s hand as Charlie took a seat in the other chair in the lounge ready if she should need to step in.

“In your own time and words Castiel, I want you to tell me about your brother and your father.” Benny said.  



	10. Chapter 10

Castiel took a few shaky breaths trying desperately to calm himself. It wasn’t working, he knew it wouldn’t. He had been dreading this the moment Dean had told him the truth. Castiel still wasn’t sure he understood completely what was happening, his mind was twisted in confusion and he was struggling to get a grip on his thoughts and emotions. Dean’s voice broke through his musings, and he felt himself tighten his hold on his husband’s hand, trying to ground himself.

“Take your time my angel.” Dean whispered.

Castiel focused his gaze on Dean’s hand, watching as his thumb rubbed along the back of his hand. He found himself settling enough to speak.

“My father never loved me. Not like he did Jimmy and Michael. I was the youngest of me and Jimmy, and my mother died not long after I was born. I nearly didn’t make it, but the doctors managed to save me but not my mother. I know I wasn’t an easy child either. I was…different. I was never forgiven for killing my mother and he punished me…”

“Cas. You didn’t kill her. That wasn’t your fault.” Dean interrupted him. 

“It was. I shouldn’t have lived, what right did I have to survive?” Castiel muttered.

“You had every right Castiel. What did your father do to you?” Benny asked gently.

“Do you really need to know that Benny?” Dean snapped.

Castiel squeezed Dean’s hand flashing him a tight smile. He loved his husband, but he could be too protective at time. Castiel understood why Benny needed to know, so that he had a better chance of understanding what they could be expecting from his brother and his father. 

“He didn’t really do much until I was about eleven. But for the last two years before he left, he would come home drunk and I would be his target every time. He would remind me every night how much he hated me. How it was my fault that my mother had died. How I was a disappointment to him and my brothers. He knew I was different, I would rather stay at home and read and write instead of do sports. Then he caught me taking an interest in a male actor on the screen when I was about thirteen. Not long before he left us. Well I soon learnt this wasn’t okay, he beat it into me that it was wrong, but the week before he left us a friend of his came round, a friend who thought it was great to teach me a lesson, and he did, by sexually assaulting me. Jimmy tried to stop him, and he just hit him. My father did nothing he was too drunk, he just laughed. Micheal could have stopped all this but he never did not once….”

Castiel had to stopped, his words catching in his throat. Closing his eyes tightly as he felt memories come rushing back. He could feel someone gripping his hand tightly and he panicked, snatching it away from whoever it was. His mind slipped back to the moment he had been assaulted, his brother lying out cold near him, Michael not making it stop despite him begging him too.

“Castiel?” 

He could hear a voice calling out to him, but he didn’t want to open his eyes. A hand landing on his knee was what topped his already fragile mind over edge. Eyes flying open he pushed himself off the sofa, backing into the wall.  
“Don’t touch me, please don’t hurt me. I’m sorry.” Castiel stuttered.

“Cas. I’m not going to hurt you. I would never hurt you my angel.” 

Something in Castiel’s mind told him to trust the man coming towards him, soon his thoughts came crashing back to reality as Dean caught him in his arms.

“I…please…don’t hurt me Dean. I’m so sorry.” He sobbed.

“I’m not hurting you Castiel. I won’t ever hurt you I promise. It’s okay.” Dean soothed.

Castiel curled his fist into Dean’s shirt as he led them both back to the sofa. 

“Castiel we can stop if you would like to.” Benny said 

Castiel shook his head, lifting his gaze to lock with Benny ‘s. He trusted the detective and he knew he would be patient, but he also knew that he was their best hope of ending this. He needed to be strong, he needed to help.

“It’s okay. I’m okay. Tell me what you need to know. I want to help.” Castiel told him.

“Did you know Jimmy was in touch with Micheal?”

“No.”

“Did he show any signs of being in touch with your older brother or your father. Anything unusual about the way he might have been acting on the day of the accident?” Benny asked.

“No. He was normal. He was just Jimmy. Benny are you sure you have it right? Jimmy would never do this to me. I know he wouldn’t it doesn’t make sense.” 

“His messages are to your brother. Telling him where you are, what the plans are. He would have known where you were at all times Castiel.” Benny told him

“He..he was spying on me?” Castiel stuttered.

“I’m sorry Castiel.” Benny said.

Castiel shook his head as he pulled away from Dean. He could feel his breath quickening as his mind desperately tried to believe what Benny had just confirmed. Jimmy wouldn’t, he just wouldn’t. He couldn’t understand why his brother would do that to him. The one person he had trusted all his life had been spying on him and sending the information back to the people who hated him, who never wanted him to live.

“I…how..how long?”

“Three months.” Benny replied honestly.

That was too much, to know his brother had been spying on him for three months was enough. Castiel couldn’t take any more, he felt his darkness start to creep in on him as a full panic took over. He couldn’t deal with this any more he didn’t want too. He didn’t understand why this was happening now after all these years. What had he done so wrong to Jimmy to make him turn against him.

“Charlie help me.”

He could hear Dean’s panicked voice in the distance, he wanted to reach out for him to seek his comfort but his body betrayed him and he knew he was shutting down. His mind was failing him and he couldn’t bring himself to fight it, he was too tired. He vaguely remembered a pinch in his skin, before a blackness took him and he stopped feeling.

Dean let his fingers run gently through Castiel’s thick hair as he slept. His eyes fixed on his husband’s face, his handsome features telling him that Castiel was not settled in his forced slumber. He could hear Charlie and Benny still talking in the lounge, he didn’t pay any attention. All he cared about was Castiel and what he had been forced to tell Benny. Dean felt a rush of anger burn through him, he wanted to hunt down Michael and their father and make them suffer the way they had made Castiel suffer. He couldn’t understand how anyone could treat their own family that way. Dean had never got on with his own father, but their relationship had never been as toxic as Castiel’s. 

A whimper escaped Castiel, bringing Dean from his thoughts. Dean leant in, kissing him gently on the cheek, before whispering in his ear.

“You’re safe my angel. I’m here.” 

Castiel relaxed at his words but didn’t wake. Dean didn’t expect him to, not for a while yet. Charlie had been forced to give him a mild sedative, which Castiel’s body had jumped on taking him into a sleep. Dean was glad, he knew that what had happened would have been too much for Castiel’s mind, he knew it the moment Benny told him how long Jimmy had been talking to Micheal. He had seen the hurt settle in his husband’s eyes, mixed with a deep betrayal. Dean had known then that there was nothing he could do to stop Castiel shutting down. Charlie did the kindest thing possible at that time. 

“I’m sorry brother.”

Dean turned at the voice, finding Benny standing in the doorway. Dean nodded, turning his attention back onto Castiel, his fingers never stopping their trail through his hair.

“You have nothing to be sorry for Benny. Castiel wanted to keep talking. He needed to know.” Dean replied.

“I know but I should have stopped. It wasn’t fair to push him…”

Dean closed his eyes briefly, leaning down he kissed Castiel on the side of his head, pulling the blankets tighter round him before turning to pull Benny out the room. 

“This isn’t your fault Benny. It isn’t Castiel’s either. But you need to find the two people who are to blame for all of this. You need to find them, and lock them up so that we can finally bring an end to this for Cas. I honestly don’t know how much more of this he can deal with. I can’t lose him Benny and I will if we don’t stop this.” Dean said

“We aren’t going to do anything. I’m going to do my job Dean, and you are going to do yours which is to look after your husband. I mean it Dean. I know you, and I know you want to hunt these bastards down and make them suffer, but you can’t. It’s too dangerous. I need you to promise me you won’t do anything stupid.” Benny told him firmly.

Dean didn’t answer straight away. He wasn’t sure he could make that promise. Flicking a glance into his bedroom, seeing the sleeping form of his whole world he knew that Benny was right. If he went off on his own quest of revenge and something happen it would destroy Castiel and the poor guy had suffered enough in his life.

“I promise Benny.” Dean muttered.

“Good. Now I have to get back to the station. Call me if you need anything, and if Castiel feels he needs to talk more.” Benny said.

Dean simply nodded, hugging his best friend tightly, before following him to the door. Closing it behind the detective, leaning against it as he let out a long breath.

“You okay?” Charlie asked him.

Dean lifted his gaze, locking eyes with her’s. There was so much concern held in them, and it was enough to break him as he shook his head.

“Come on. I have no where to rush off to. Go sit down, I’ll make us both a drink and you can tell me what’s going on in your head.” Charlie said gently.

Dean didn’t argue, instead he did as she asked. Taking a seat on the sofa, dropping his head in his hands and he tried to get a grip on his emotions enough to be honest with Charlie, enough to be able to express how he was feeling. Something he had never been good at.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait for chapters. Life is crazy at the moment. But here it is, and things have taken a twist. I am so excited for the next part of this story. It’s about to get darker with more angst. But as you see in the tags. There is a happy ending....eventually.
> 
> Stay safe.
> 
> Bex

Dean found himself sitting alone in the dark the following morning. The only light coming from the work top in the kitchen where he had just made himself a coffee. He hadn’t slept. There was too much going through his mind. If he hadn’t been fighting his own demons, he was helping Castiel fight his. Castiel’s sleep had been plagued by whatever hell he was in within his mind. Dean had tried to wake him at one point, but when he hadn’t responded all Dean could do was whisper soothingly in his ear and settle him as best he could.

“I wondered where you had gone.”

Dean jumped at the sound of Castiel’s voice, to his relief his husband decided not to be put the light on. Dean pulled himself to his feet, making his way to where Castiel was stood in the kitchen. Even in the dark he could see him trembling. It was the middle of summer, and it wasn’t cold which was a clear sign that Castiel was far from okay and Dean worried he was getting sick.

“Let me make you some coffee.” Dean said.

“I can make it myself. I am not completely useless despite what most think.” Castiel snapped.

Dean froze at the cold tone to his words. Warning bells ringing in his mind, scaring him. This wasn’t his angel. Again he was reminded of the last time Castiel had been in a bad head space, the signs that lead him to a hospital for two months. Placing a gentle hand to his husband’s back, anger surging through him as Castiel flinched at the touch. His anger wasn’t directed at Castiel, it was directed at the people who had broken him.

“I don’t think you’re useless Cas. I never have and I never will.” Dean assured him.

“I know.” Castiel muttered.

Dean leant in, kissing him on the cheek gently. Again he felt Castiel tense under the gesture. Something had changed since last night, and Dean knew it had something to do with what Castiel had spoken of and not doubt the truth about Jimmy’s betrayal.

“Go back to bed my angel. I will bring us both some coffee.” Dean suggested.

Castiel didn’t say anything, he simply turned and made his way back to their room. Dean let out a long breath, casting his eyes up to the sky sending a silent prayer to whatever was up there. He need all the help he could get, he knew that. This was just the start. Castiel was already shutting down, shutting him out. It would soon get to the point that he would only speak to Charlie, and Dean knew that when it got to that point he would lose his husband again. Shaking his head slightly, pouring Castiel a coffee, he grabbed his own and headed back to bed. He would make Castiel talk. Make him open up. He had promised Castiel that he wouldn’t let him be admitted again, and he was going to keep that promise.

Walking back into their room, finding Castiel sat cross-legged, eyes fixed on the door as if he had been waiting for Dean to come back in. Dean flashed him a small smile, handing him his coffee as he dropped down on the bed next to him.

“We need to talk.” Castiel said.

“I guess we do. But it doesn’t have to be now Cas. Not after yesterday. We can just chill for today if you want. Do anything you want. Go for a walk-“

“I don’t want to go out.” Castiel cut Dean off.

Dean watched his husband for a moment, noting the way he had tensed at the mention of going for a walk. It didn’t take long for Dean to realise that Castiel feared the outside, now he knew his family were hunting him. Things were worse than he thought, he would need to speak to Charlie about what they could do. Castiel couldn’t become a recluse, he wouldn’t let that happen. His husband loved the outdoors, he wouldn’t let Cas lose one thing that grounded him.

“Okay we don’t have to go out. We have some movies to catch up on we can just chill and do that today.” Dean suggested.

“I know what you are trying to do Dean. Please don’t. We need to talk about what I said yesterday. You didn’t know any of that and I am shit husband for keeping it from you. I should have been honest with you and you shouldn’t have found out about it all the way you did-“

Dean leaned in planting a hard kiss to Castiel’s lips, silencing him before he started to distress himself too much. He knew where this was going, he knew that all Castiel’s self-loathing was resurfacing thanks to everything that was going on, and he couldn’t let him get too far into his hell. Pulling away from him, Dean could see the pain in Castiel’s beautiful blue eyes.

“Don’t my angel. Don’t do this to yourself. What happened to you in the past was for you tell me in your own time, if you wanted too. I knew you had been through shit, but I wasn’t going to push you. I know what you are thinking Cas, and you need to not. You are not useless or worthless, and it is not your fault your mother died.” Dean told him gently.

“But I’m damaged goods Dean.” Castiel whispered.

Dean’s heart broke at his words. Placing his cup on his bedside table, leaning over to take Castiel’s mug and do the same before pulling him for a tight hug. He felt Castiel curl in on him, burying himself in Dean’s embrace seeking the reassurance and protection that only Dean could give him.

“You are not damaged goods Castiel. I don’t see you that way and I never will. You are one of the most gentle and genuine people I know. You are stronger than you think Cas, I just need you to see that so you can fight those demons in your mind that are telling you otherwise.” Dean said.

“I can’t Dean. I try, but I can’t ignore them.” Castiel muttered.

“I know, but that’s why I’m here. To help you. And so is Sam, Charlie, Gabe. You aren’t on your own Castiel, we are here to listen.” Dean soothed.

Castiel pulled away from him, a shudder running through him as he did. Dean wanted to pull him close to him again, but as he reached forward Castiel backed away slightly. 

“I-I think I will go and have a shower.” He said.

“Okay, I’ll go and make us some breakfast then we can decide what to do today.” Dean suggested.

Castiel simply nodded, before retreating to the bathroom. Dean sat for a few moments processing what had just happened. Castiel had been fine one moment, and then suddenly pushed Dean away. He needed to figure out his husband’s trigger so that he could prevent it from happening again.

***  
A week later.

Gabriel sat alone, staring absently into the coffee that was in front of him. Benny had called to meet him, and he had made sure he had arrived at the suggested place early. He needed a few moments alone to get his head around what was going on. He hadn’t seen much of Castiel since he had got home. He had decided to stay in the apartment he had been renting, wanting to give his cousin space. He knew that Castiel could get too overwhelmed with too many people around, that was the last thing they needed to happen. Instead he had spoken to Dean daily, and what he had heard from him hadn’t eased his worry over Castiel’s mental state. 

“Thanks for meeting with me.” 

Gabriel startled at the sound of a voice, looking up just as Benny took a seat opposite him. 

“No worries. What did you want to talk to me about?’ Gabriel asked.

“How is Castiel doing?” Benny replied.

Gabriel titled his head slightly watching the detective. He was stalling about something. 

“Not good. I haven’t seen much of him of him over the last week or so. Not since the day you spoke with him when he first came home. But I have spoken to Dean, and I don’t think he is in a good place. I was going to go and see them after I spoke with you.” 

Benny nodded slightly as a coffee appeared in front of him. Gabriel silently watched him tip some sugar in, waiting patiently for him to speak.

“Michael came to the station to speak with me yesterday.”

Gabriel nearly choked on his coffee. That was not what he had expected Benny to say. 

“I’m sorry what? This has to be some kind of joke.” He muttered.

“It’s not. That’s why I wanted to talk to you. I think you should meet him. Speak to him. What Castiel believed happen wasn’t what actually did. Michael isn’t the one trying to kill him. He’s the one trying to protect him. He was trying to warn Jimmy about their father. He has no idea where Chuck is, but he knows he is after Castiel. But he doesn’t know why.” Benny explained.

“So the contact with Jimmy. It was to warn of anything happening. To keep Cas safe. Shit.” Gabriel breathed.

“I want you to meet him. I will be with you. I was hoping you would be free tomorrow. I just ask you don’t mention this to Dean. Not yet.” Benny said.

“I wouldn’t have anyway. Okay I’ll meet him tomorrow. I can’t promise I will be nice. Even if what you say is true he still didn’t stop his father. He didn’t help his brother when he needed him the most. He has never been there for Castiel when he was at his darkest-“   
Gabriel trailed off, draining the rest of his coffee. He wasn’t sure he wanted to meet his older Cousin, not after all that had passed over the last 20 years. But someone he knew he had to, for Castiel’s sake. If they were going to put an end to this, bring closure and peace to them all.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally back guys. I have hit a bit of writers block on my other two stories, but this one seems to keep giving. Updates are slow and for that I apologise. Life is mental right now and busy. Good busy, but it’s getting in the way of writing. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. It means so much to me.
> 
> Take care  
> Bex

The following morning Gabriel pulled up at the small police station, Benny was leaning against the wall outside, waiting for him. Taking a deep breath, he climbed out his rental car and made his way over to the detective.

“You look like you had a rough night.” Benny greeted him.

“I was keeping Cas company while Dean worked last night. He needed a break and needed to show his face at the bar. Needless to say I didn’t sleep much when I got home.” Gabriel replied.

“Castiel not good?” Benny asked.

Gabriel shook his head in a silent reply. Not good was an understatement. His cousin hadn’t left the house since he had returned home from the hospital. He had lost himself in his words. Gabriel had glanced a read of them when Castiel had finally fallen asleep. The darkness that were twisted within them terrified him. The books would sell, but the truth behind the story was a clear sign that Castiel was very much back under the control of his demons. He was back in hell.

“Is Michael here?” Gabriel asked.

Benny nodded, holding the door open for him.

“He’s in an interview room. I’ll be with you, so take your time. But give him a chance to explain Gabe.” Benny pleaded.

“I will. But you and him have to understand that I watched for years, Castiel suffer with what happened to him. I can’t just forget that.” Gabriel replied.

“I don’t expect you to.” Benny assured him.

Gabriel nodded as Benny pushed open the door. He stood for a moment in the open doorway taking in the man in front of him. A person he hadn’t laid eyes on for 20 years. Michael had turned at the sound of the door opening. The two cousins stared in silence for a few moments until Benny finally broke it.

“Let’s take a seat.” He suggested. 

Gabriel did as he was instructed. Michael copying him.

“It’s good to see you Gabriel. You look well.” 

Gabriel snorted in response.

“No I don’t. I was up till late last night looking after your little brother, while his husband was at work. Why? Because Castiel can’t be left on his own right now. Because he is so fucked up with everything that’s happening.” Gabriel spat.

“Gabe.” Benny warned.

“I’m not apologising for telling him the truth.”  
“It’s fine. You have every right to be angry at me. It’s good to know my brother has found the love he deserves.” Michael said.

“Don’t start that shit. Why now Michael. Why suddenly grow a conscience?” Gabriel demanded.

Michael didn’t answer at first. Instead he cast his gaze down to the table. There was so much remorse and guilt radiating off him that Gabriel felt his anger fading. It seemed Michael was genuine in whatever his reasons were.

“Why don’t you tell me your side of the story. Everything. If you want me to trust, to let you near Castiel I need to know everything.” Gabriel told him firmly.

Michael didn’t speak for a few moments. Gabriel watched him patiently. He knew that eventually Castiel would need to know about this, but he needed to be certain that Michael wasn’t going to fuck up his little brother again.

“I should have done more to stop what was going on. I knew the moment our mum died Castiel would be to blame. As he got older I watched dad loath him, treat him like shit. Jimmy would always stick up for him, but I did nothing. A few times I stopped dad beating the shit out of him when he use to come home drunk. And that night when dad brought his friend…I just froze. I knew Castiel was gay. It didn’t bother me and I should have protected him more. That’s why I left with dad. I knew if I went with him, played out the perfect son that despised his gay brother I could keep him away from Castiel. I knew Jimmy would contact your mum and you would take them in. Thank god you did.” Michael explained.

“You left two 13 year old boys alone. We picked them up from the hospital, and I will never forget that day Michael. Jimmy was devestated. But Cas…Cas was broken. He has never recovered from that incident. One you could have stopped!” Gabriel snapped.

“I know. I have no words. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I won’t ever forgive myself.” Michael said quietly.

“So why now? Why are you here? Why is your dad wanting to destroy his son again?” Gabriel questioned.

“Because Castiel is happy. An old friend of dad’s lives here. He told him that Castiel is here. How he found out I don’t know. He only moved here a year ago. Needless to say my dad isn’t happy.” Michael replied.

“This is been going on a year?” Gabriel exclaimed.

“Yes. I thought I could protect them both. Protect you all from a far. But dad started upping his plans. That’s when I contacted Jimmy. I needed him to keep a close eye on Castiel. It’s why he moved here.”

“Shit.” Gabriel breathed. “Does he know where Castiel lives?”

“I don’t think so. His spy hasn’t been able to track him down. I’m guessing Castiel is quite elusive?”

“He’s a writer Michael. One who suffers greatly with anxiety, depression and addiction. He has come so far. Dean and Charlie have worked so hard with him to get him better. Until the accident he was the best he has ever been in years. He was happy. And now…” Gabriel trailed off.

He ducked his head down so that Michael couldn’t see the tears threatening to fall. Watching Castiel’s health deteriorate over the last few weeks had been tough, but he wasn’t about to show his cousin how much it was affecting him.

“I’m sorry. But I want to help Gabriel. I want to help you catch Chuck and put him away. And I then want to try and put things right with my little brother.” Michael pleaded.

“You will have to convince his husband of this first. You thought I was protective, you wait till you cross Dean.” Gabriel told him.

“Is he really that bad?” Michael asked.

“He loves Castiel. He would do anything to protect him. Gabriel is right. You will need to convince Dean before you talk to your brother.” Benny replied.

A knock at the door silenced any more conversation. An officer appeared from the other side a concerned look on her face.

“Sir Castiel is in a room asking for you. He’s pretty distressed. It looks like he walked here.”

“Take him to my office and get him as settled as you can. I’ll be right there. Be gentle with him, and call this number. It’s his husband.” Benny said.

Gabriel watched as Benny wrote down Dean’s number on some paper and handing it to the officer. Once the door shut behind her, he turned back to them.

“Michael you need to leave now. Be sure Castiel doesn’t see you. Gabriel I need you to come with me. We’ll just say you came to see me about information on he accident. I will need your help until Dean gets here.” Benny told them both.

Gabriel simply nodded in silence response. Micheal didn’t say anything, as they both followed Michael out. Gabriel wondered what had happened to have spooked so much he had bolted from home to the station, and why the hell had Dean left him alone?

Dean flew into the station in a wave of panic. Eyes scanning the reception area for his best friend. Benny was waiting for him by a door that led through to the offices. There was a look in his eyes Dean didn’t recogonise and it did nothing to sooth his panic.

“Where is he Benny? What’s happened?” Dean fired.

“He’s in my office. He hasn’t said a word since he got here. Gabriel is with him. He’s pretty spooked about something Dean, but he won’t speak. He’s just closed up.” Benny explained.

Dean pushed past his friend, opening the door to his office. Castiel looked up at the sound. The terrified look in his eyes had Dean by his side in a split second. Kneeling down in front of his husband, taking hold of both his hands to try and ground him, try and get him to talk.

“Hey Cas. You scared me. I came out the shower and you were gone. What happened my angel? What frigthented you so much to bring you to Benny?” Dean asked him gently.

Tears filled Casitel’s eyes, Dean pushed down his own emotions as he squeezed Castiel’s hands gently. Something had really scared him, and Dean needed to know what.

“Gabe. Will you ring Charlie please. Tell her to meet us back home.” Dean asked him.

Gabriel nodded, disappearing out the room.

“I’m going to take him home Benny. I think he has freaked himself out being-“

“I saw my father.” Castiel interrupted quietly.

Dean shot Benny a look, the detective didn’t meet his eye, instead he continued watching Castiel quietly. Benny was keeping something from him, but Dean would talk to him about it later. He needed to focus on his husband.

“Cas…that’s not possible.” Dean said.

“You think I’m lying? I know what I saw.” Castiel snapped.

He pulled his hands from Dean’s grasp as he started ringing them frantically.

“I saw him. I’m not lying. I saw him.” Castiel muttered.

Dean took hold of his hands again, he could feel them shaking in his grip.

“I believe you my love. Let’s go home. We can talk more then.” Dean suggested.

Castiel held his gaze as he nodded in reply. Dean flashed him a small smile, leaning in to brush his lips against Castiel’s. Resting his forehead against his husband’s he could feel him trembling. Feel the very real fear pulse through Castiel. Dean wanted nothing more than to wrap him in his arms and protect hm from the hell he was clearly tapped in.

“It’s okay Cas. I won’t let anyone hurt you. I promise.” Dean swore.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the love guys
> 
> Stay safe  
> Bex  
> X

“Thanks for coming Charlie.” Dean greeted, as he opened the door to her.

“You know I will always come if I can Dean. What happened? Where is Castiel?” Charlie asked.

Dean sighed deeply, running a hand through his hair as he lead them to the small kitchen table. Dropping down on one of the chairs, Charlie copying him, as she reached across the table and squeezed his arm.

“Dean?” She pushed gently.

“I got a call from the police. Cas was at the station. I don’t know Charlie, he said he saw his dad. I was in the shower, I came out and he was gone. And then when I go to him, he swears to me he saw his dad.” Dean told her.

“Do you believe him?” 

“I don’t know. He was, he is terrified. He was so spooked. If he didn’t then what does it mean?” Dean asked.

“It means I am finally going mad. Again.”

Dean turned at the sound of his husband’s voice. Castiel stood in the doorway of the kitchen, dressed in an old t-shirt, sweat pants and he dressrobe draped over his shoulders. His hair was still wet from where he had just got out of the shower. There were dark circles under his eyes, standing out against his pale skin. Dean took a moment to run his eyes over the rest of his husband, noting the way he trembled slightly. Dean cursed himself for not picking up on the fact Castiel was getting sick. How had he not seen just how much his husband had deteriorated so drastically in the last few days? He glanced at Charlie, he could see the concern in her eyes as she looked at Castiel. She saw it too.

“Cas-“

“Do you want some coffee? I could do with some.” Castiel stopped Dean.

Dean shared a look with Charlie before getting up and making his way to where his husband was fiddling with the machine. Dean went to help him, but Castiel stopped him with a glare. Dean held his hands up stepping back.

“Sure we would love some coffee.” He replied for both him and Charlie.

“How you feeling Cas?” Charlie asked.

“Just great, thanks.” Castiel muttered.

Dean watched as Castiel hands shook while he poured the coffee, he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t stand by when his husband was clearly suffering. He walked up to him, gripping his wrist gently, forcing Castiel to stop.

“Cas, talk to me. Talk to us. I meant what I said at the station. I won’t let anyone hurt you, but you have to let me in.” Dean told him gently.

Castiel flicked his gaze up to Dean’s. There was so much pain in them and it broke Dean’s heart.

“Why? You don’t believe my fears.” He spat.

Dean was taken aback by the ice in his tone. Castiel snatched his wrist from Dean’s grip. Continuing with his task of making the coffee.

“Cas. That’s not true.” Dean said.

He was trying so hard to keep the hurt from his voice, and not let himself raise to Castiel’s bait. His husband was looking for a fight, he always did when he was confused or scared. It was his defence. Dean wasn’t about to give him one. He was glad Charlie was there.

Castiel span round to face Dean. His eyes were blazing with an anger Dean didn’t understand. Castiel was exhausted and it was heightening his emotions. 

“Isn’t it? Because your reaction today tells me otherwise.” He fired.

“Castiel why don’t you tell us what happened? Make us understand.” Charlie interrupted.

Dean closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. When he opened them again, he saw Charlie had managed to coax Castiel to a chair. Dean was glad, his husband didn’t look like he was able to stand much longer. Dean finished the drinks before taking his own seat at the table. Castiel snatched the mug from him, fixing his gaze on the liquid. He was purposely avoiding their eyes. For a moment Dean thought he would close up again. But after taking a sip of his coffee he finally spoke.

“Dean was in the shower, and while I was waiting in our bedroom, I was looking out the window and I saw him. I saw my father. I panicked and fear took me to Benny. But now I realise that I’m going mad. Because he can’t be here. It’s my mind playing tricks on me.” 

“Castiel. When was the last time you slept properly?” Charlie asked him gently.

Dean felt guilt wash through him at her question. He should have seen the exhaustion in his husband, but he was sure Castiel slept. He was at his side every night. He never moved.

“I don’t know.” 

“Cas. Why didn’t you tell me? Wake me when you couldn’t sleep.” Dean asked.

Castiel wouldn’t meet his eye. Dean wanted to grab his hand in his own, but something told him Castiel didn’t want to be touched at that moment. 

“Because you didn’t need to worry about me any more than you already do.” He muttered.

“Oh Cas.” Dean whispered.

“I’m going to prescribe a week worth of sleeping medication.” Charlie said.

Castiel shook his head, a look of fear passing in his eyes. Dean frowned, wanting to ask what was wrong, but he found himself staying silent. This was Charlie’s area, he would just wait and see how it panned out, wishing he could do more to help his husband.

“I don’t want them. If you force me to sleep, I have no control over my mind. And that’s when they trap me.” Castiel told her.

“Who traps you Cas?” Charlie asked.

Dean watched as Castiel tapped his temple, his eyes pleading with her to understand. 

“At least if I can wake, my demons can’t get me. Please. I don’t want sleeping pills.” He begged.

“Castiel you’re exhausted. You’re making yourself sick. I know Dean makes sure you eat, but your worrying yourself sick. You can’t keep on like this Castiel. If you won’t take the sleeping medication at least let me change your other tablets. See if I can’t settle your mind enough to sleep.” Charlie suggested.

Castiel nodded in silent agreement.

“I will be back in a bit okay. While I’m gone it would be good for you two to talk.” Charlie told them both.

Dean went to get up to let her out. Charlie shook her head making her own way out the house. Dean swallowed heavily as he looked at his husband. Castiel still wouldn’t meet his eye. Talking was not going to be easy.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love guys.
> 
> I apologize for this chapter. It hurt me to write too, and the next few that follow will be full of a lot on angst.
> 
> Sorry. Not Sorry.
> 
> Bex  
> x

Dean watched his husband silently. He knew Charlie would be a good hour or so. It would likely take him that long to get Castiel to talk.  
After a few more moments of no talk, Dean decided to make the first move. He had to try at least. Castiel was bottling a lot up, and it was destroying him.  
“I wish you would have told me you weren’t sleeping, Cas. I know you said it was because you didn’t want me to worry. But Cas, I’m your husband. It’s my job to worry about you. It’s my job to look after you.” Dean told him.  
“And what could you have done? Or should I say what would you have done? Kept me sedated every night? So I was forever trapped with my terrors.” Castiel snapped.  
“Castiel, stop! Just stop!” Dean fired back.  
He cursed himself for his outburst, but Castiel was pushing him too far. He wasn’t being fair, and Dean was getting sick of being made to look like the bad guy.  
“I’m not your enemy,” Dean told him.  
Castiel dropped his gaze to his drink, his shoulders dropping in defeat.  
“I know,” he muttered.  
“Then stop pushing me away,” Dean begged.  
When Castiel didn’t speak, Dean got up and walked around the table, so he was able to pull a chair up beside Castiel. Wrapping an arm around Castiel’s shoulders, he was relieved when his husband pushed into his embrace. Dean brushed his lips against Castiel’s temple.  
“I hate that I’m so pathetic, but I just. I don’t know what’s going on. I try Dean, and I’m trying to ignore my fear. Or I’m trying to fight it, but I can’t. I just can’t. And I’m so tired of living like this…”  
Castiel trailed off as exhaustion and defeat took him. Dean pulled him closer, resting his head on top of Castiel’s. His heart hurt at not being able to stop his pain.  
“Cas, there is nothing wrong with you. Speaking to Benny, opening up about your past would have been painful and topped with what happened to Jimmy. My angel, you have been through so much. But it’s going to be okay. You aren’t alone, Cas. Let us help in any way we can. Let us fight with you.” Dean soothed him. Castiel’s grip on his waist tightened.  
“I’m sorry I was such a bastard to you. It wasn’t fair. I shouldn’t have snapped,” he muttered.  
Dean let out a small laugh, causing Castiel to look up at him.  
“What’s so funny?” he asked confused.  
Dean shook his head, leaning down to kiss him deeply. Castiel responded, and Dean found himself wanting to take him to bed, show him just how special he indeed was. How loved he was.  
“I want you so bad Dean,” Castiel whispered against his lips.  
Dean was damn well about giving him all he wanted. If it hadn’t been for the knock at the front door.  
“It won’t be Charlie, so I say we ignore it.” Castiel almost begged.  
Dean was totally fine with that, but another, more persistent knock came again. Dean growled getting up.  
“I’ll get rid of them.”  
Castiel sent him a dark smirk before getting up, too, and making his way to the bedroom. Dean watched him go as he turned to open the door.  
He didn’t get a chance to register what was happening before two shots rang through the building. Pain, as he had never felt before, hit him, and he found himself sinking to the floor. His mind was struggling to process what was going on. There was blood, and he was pretty sure it was his. He heard a terrified cry echo around the house.  
Castiel.  
“Cas!” Dean cried out.  
He tried to pull himself across the floor towards their room. He saw a man dragging Castiel from their room. His husband locked eyes with him, there was so much fear in them, but Dean watched as Castiel started to fight back. That was the last he saw before vision went black and his body gave up.  
***  
Gabriel sat in silence as Benny sped towards his cousin’s house. It had been chance that he had still been with him at the station when the call had come through. Benny didn’t explain much, just told him to get in the car. Something was wrong, so very wrong and he wondered if he should call Sam.  
“Follow my lead, and stay behind me,” Benny told him firmly.  
Gabriel hadn’t even realized that they had stopped. He simply nodded and got out of the car. He noticed that there were other cops near the house; his heart sank. He was terrified as to what they would find.  
It didn’t take them long to reach the open door and step into the suffocating silence that settled in the house. Gabriel peered over Benny’s shoulder, a body lay on the floor, cuffs being placed around their wrists as the person started to come around. Gabriel saw the face of his Uncle as he was pulled roughly to his feet.  
He didn’t have a chance to feel even the slightest bit of joy over his Uncle finally being locked up, not when he eyes fell on the figure of his cousin slumped over the body of Dean.  
“Cas. Oh god. Castiel,” Gabriel called to him.  
Gabriel heard Benny call in the incident, knew that help was on its way, but his focus was on Castiel. Moving slowly towards him, he dropped down next to him. Daring to reach out, to touch Castiel, the second his hand touched Castiel’s arm, Castiel freaked.  
“No. Don’t touch me. Leave me alone,” he cried.  
Gabriel watched as Castiel backed into the wall, dragging Dean’s body with him. There was so much blood, and Gabriel wasn’t sure who it belonged to.  
“Gabe. The paramedics are here. They are going to need to take Dean.” Benny told him quietly.  
“I know. Benny, I need your help, he won’t let Dean go, I need you to help me take him from Castiel.” Gabriel said.  
Benny simply nodded, following Gabriel’s lead as they approached Castiel. Gabriel knelt next to his cousin again.  
“Castiel. I need you to listen to me. Dean needs help. The paramedics are going to look after him, but you have to let them,” Gabriel said gently.  
Castiel shook his head, trying to back further into the wall. Gabriel was failing at keeping his tears from falling. His cousin was lost, he could see that, looking into Castiel’s eyes told him that he was broken, shattered.  
“Benny, if I take his grip off Dean, will you pull Dean from him, let the medics do what they have to do,” Gabriel asked.  
The detective didn’t say anything. Instead, he knelt, hands on Dean’s body as Gabriel pulled Castiel’s fingers off his husband one by one, ignoring the cries from his cousin, as he tried to fight him, begging for Gabriel not to take him. It was a blessing that Castiel was too weak, too exhausted and so emotionally destroyed to put up much of a fight.  
Gabriel was vaguely aware of the medics coming in and getting to work on Dean to make him stable enough for him to travel to the hospital. He thanked the gods. Dean was still alive, for now at least. He didn’t want to imagine what would happen to Castiel should Dean die.  
“I need to check Castiel over,”  
Gabriel looked up at the voice, seeing the other medic standing over them. Gabriel shook his head slightly.  
“Let me talk to him. He’s not in a good place, I don’t want to scare him even more,” Gabriel said.  
The medic nodded, taking a seat on the floor patiently.  
“Cas. Buddy, I need you to tell me if you are hurt? Did he hurt you?” Gabriel asked him.  
Castiel cowered away as he reached out to touch his cousin. Gabriel hesitated for a moment, before slowly placing an arm around him and pulling Castiel close. To his relief, Castiel collapsed against him.  
“It’s okay, Cas. I got you,” he soothed.  
“You can check him over. He won’t fight you,” Gabriel told the paramedic  
Castiel didn’t fight. He also didn’t need to go to the hospital, which Gabriel was grateful for. His wounds were superficial enough, they would heal, but Gabriel knew his cousin’s mental state was far from okay.  
“I need to get you guys out of here, Gabriel. This is a crime scene now. How about I take you to your apartment? I have rung Charlie. She will meet you there. I guess you will need her help with Castiel.” Benny said.  
Gabriel simply nodded, letting Benny help him up before the both of them pulled Castiel to his feet and made their way out the house.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love guys. Hope you are all staying safe.
> 
> Bex  
> x

Charlie paused outside Gabriel’s apartment. Despite coming prepared with medication that would hopefully help Castiel, she knew that emotionally she wouldn’t be ready to face what was behind the door. Benny had filled her in with what had happened. Dean was in a critical condition at the hospital and currently in surgery. He was strong, but Charlie knew that they all had to be ready should he not pull through. Knowing this made it harder for her to keep her emotions in check. She may have come with a sedative, but she was there as a friend. It was what Castiel needed right now. He needed his best friend, not his psychiatrist. 

Taking a deep breath, raising her hand, she knocked gently on the door. It didn’t take long for Gabriel to open it. He was still dressed in a shirt that was covered in specks of blood. He looked exhausted and devastated. Charlie pulled him into a tight hug.

“Thanks for being here, Charlie,” Gabriel muttered as they pulled away.

Charlie flashed him a small smile, following him into the apartment. She turned as he shut the door, eyes falling on her best friend. Castiel was curled up on a chair, wrapped in a blanket as if he was trying to block out the rest of the world.

“He won’t let me get him into clean clothes, Charlie, he won’t let me near him. He’s just shut down,” Gabriel told her.

“Benny told me what happened, how he wouldn’t let Dean’s body go. Okay, the first thing we need to do is try and at least get him changed, see if we can get him in the bath, get him cleaned up,” Charlie said.

She didn’t wait for Gabriel to say anything, making her way over to Castiel. Kneeling in front of him, she stopped herself from reaching out to touch him. She wanted nothing more than to wrap him up in a big hug, but it was clear Castiel wouldn’t accept human contact at the moment.

“Hey Cas, do you know who I am?” Charlie asked him.

Castiel didn’t lift his gaze but nodded in silent response. Charlie let out a breath of relief, glancing back at Gabriel. He was watching her from a distance, and she could tell he didn’t know what to do or how to help his cousin. 

Turning back to Castiel, she took a breath, daring to place her hand on his arm. He didn’t pull away from her touch, but he did lookup. The terrified, lost look in his beautiful blue eyes broke her. Charlie had never seen Castiel look so defeated, and it scared her. She forced a small smile, squeezing Castiel’s arm gently, pushing her emotions down, not wanting to let her tears fall at the state of her best friend. 

“Gabriel is going to run you a hot bath so we can get you cleaned up, okay? Then I’m going to give you something to make you feel better. Do you think that will be okay with you, sweetheart?”

Castiel flicked his gaze to his cousin before returning it to Charlie. She knew he wouldn’t speak. He had closed up, and he would stay that way till he knew Dean lived till his husband was back with him. Charlie knew, even she wouldn’t be able to get him to speak. The only person who would have any chance of snapping Castiel out of his mute episode was Dean. But he was responding to her words; he was lucid enough to understand what she wanted from him, for now.

“Gabe, will you go and run Cas a hot bath?” Charlie asked.

Gabriel nodded, making his way to the bathroom and leaving Charlie with Castiel. His gaze had never left her. Charlie stood, holding her hand out to him. 

“Come on, Cas, I promise me and Gabe aren’t going to hurt you. We just want to help you,” She assured him.

It took a few moments, but Castiel did reach out and take her hand, allowing Charlie to help him to his feet and lead him to the bathroom. Gabriel was stood just outside it; he smiled sadly at her.

“I will leave you to help him. He doesn’t need us both in there, and I think you are a better person to help. I will see if I can get hold of Sam. See if he has any update on Dean,” Gabriel said.

Charlie nodded silently, stepping into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. Castiel stood in the middle of the room, trembling and looking so small. Charlie moved to him, gently removing his bloodied clothing, swallowing slowly at the bruising already forming on his body where he had fought against his father. The worst one was around his neck, and she shuddered at the thought of what he had been through in the last few hours. 

“Come on, get yourself in the bath, let’s get you cleaned up and into something warm and comfortable. I’ll help,” Charlie offered.

A few hours later, Charlie was curled on the bed with Castiel pressed close to her as he slept. They had been like that for a while now; after getting out of the bath, Castiel had had a complete meltdown, convinced that Dean was dead, and there was nothing she or Gabriel could say to him to make him snap out of it. Charlie wished they could take him to the hospital, Gabriel had suggested it, but she had refused. Castiel wouldn’t cope there, it would be too much for him, and it wasn’t fair to put him through any more trauma that day. Instead, with the help of Gabriel, they had got him to the bed where she had given him a strong sedative. She hated doing it, but it was the kindest thing for him at that moment. But she hadn’t been able to leave him, especially when he had curled into her seeking comfort in his forced sleep. A slight tap on the door frame brought her from her thoughts. She looked up, seeing Gabriel stood in the doorway; he came in taking a seat on the bed, his eyes flicking to his cousin. 

“How is he?” 

“He seems settled for now. I’m going to stay the night with him if that’s okay? I can’t bring myself to leave Gabe. I don’t think he should be on his own at all right now,” she replied.

“You think he will hurt himself?” Gabe asked quietly.

“No. He is too broken for that Gabe. He can barely function right now, let alone harm himself, and that’s why he can’t be alone. He doesn’t understand what’s going on, not really, and we need to help him, Gabe. Sam will be at Dean’s side, so me and you are all he has right now,” Charlie replied.

“He needs to see Dean, Charlie. For him to believe that he still lives, Castiel needs to see him. I spoke with Sam. Dean was out of surgery and doing well. He said he would ring us tomorrow and let us know how he is. He suggested that if Dean is up to visitors, we should take Cas,” Gabriel said.

“Let us see how he is tomorrow. How they both are, and we can make a choice then. For now, I reckon we should both get some food and then some sleep. Because I can tell you now Castiel is not going to wake well tomorrow, we are going to need to be ready to deal with him. To help ground him as best we can so that if Dean is up for visitors, we can take him there safely without him freaking out on us,” Charlie suggested.

Gabriel nodded, standing and making his way to the door. Charlie brushed a kiss to Castiel’s temple before getting up and pulling the blanket tighter around him.

“Hang in there, Cas. You have to fight these demons because it’s going to be okay. It will take a while to get there, but I promise it will be okay,” She whispered. 

Charlie felt a hand squeeze her shoulder gently, forcing her to pull her gaze from her best friend. Gabriel gave her a reassuring smile, he believed in his cousin, believed that he could fight the hell he was in, but it didn’t stop them worrying just how rocky the road would be to get Castiel through it.

“Come on. I’ll treat you to a take out. I have some wine too I think we both could do with a drink,” he offered, leading her out the bedroom.


	16. Chapter 16

Sam sighed deeply, standing and stretching before walking around to the window in his brother’s room. The view looked out over Topeka as the morning sun began to wake. He took the time to appreciate the beauty of the morning, allowing himself a moment to forget the last hours. He knew that he would have to ring Gabriel soon, the call wouldn’t be as somber as the one the previous night but he wasn’t looking forward to hearing how Castiel was. Dean had come around briefly from his surgery and his doctor was pleased with his recovery, now it was just a matter of waiting for him to wake properly so that they could figure out how he was really doing, and how long he would be in for. 

Sam ran a hand over his face, he hadn’t slept since he had been called to the hospital, he wasn’t counting the on of hour he had got through the night since his brother had come around. He was considering walking to the café to get a coffee when a groan from the bed made him turn. Dean blinked a few times as his eyes focused on his brother, Sam flashed him a relieved smile as he returned to his seat at his bedside.

“Hey Dean. How you feeling?” He greeted him

“Like I have two holes in me,” his brother replied.

“That’s because you have. Do you remember what happened?” Sam asked him.

He watched as his brother pulled himself into a more upright position indicating to Sam to pass him a glass of water, which he did. He sat quietly, waiting till Dean was ready to talk to him. He wasn’t looking forward to answering the inevitable questions about Castiel. 

“I know I was shot. I remember that, so much blood, the last thing I remember is Castiel being dragged out of our room by some man. Sam where is Castiel? What the hell happened?” Dean fired.

Sam reached out, placing a hand on his brother arm to try and calm him, he could see the panic building in Dean, he needed to stop him from freaking out too much, it wasn’t going to do him any good and Sam wasn’t to keen on getting in trouble with Dean’s doctor for stressing his brother out.

“Okay, first of all you need to calm down Dean. You’ve just been shot and recovering from pretty intense surgery. I will get in so much trouble if you keep freaking out like this. Just calm down please, I will fill you in with what I know,” Sam begged him.

Dean took a few deep breaths, collapsing against the pillows, he fixed pleading eyes on his brother, begging him to tell him that his husband was alive, that he was safe. Sam knew that would be all Dean would care about. Castiel always came first, he had done for the last five years and Sam knew that was never going to change. He wondered if Charlie would let Castiel visit Dean. 

“Tell me he is alive Sammy. Please just tell me he is safe,” Dean pleaded.

“He’s safe Dean. Gabriel and Charlie are with him at Gabe’s apartment. Yours is a crime scene at the moment. That’s why you will be moving in with me when you leave the hospital. You and Cas will be staying with me, it means I can keep an eye on you both while you heal,” Sam replied.

He had only just decided this himself but he knew it was the right thing to do. Once Dean found out about Castiel he would be more concerned about looking after him despite his injuries. Sam needed to make sure his brother rested too. He would work from home, though he had told Benny that should Castiel need representation against his father Sam would take that, it wasn’t up for negotiation.

“How is he Sam? What happened?” Dean asked.

Sam sighed deeply, he wished he had more to tell Dean, all he had was what Benny knew. Castiel had gone mute, and Charlie wasn’t letting Benny speak with him. There was a huge chunk missing about the fight between Castiel and his father. All Sam knew was that his father had been found unconscious with bite marks on his arms and bruising to his ribs. The bastard had said he was going to press charges against his son, but both Sam and Benny knew that he didn’t have a leg to stand on.

“I’m not going to lie to you Dean. I will tell you as much as know. I know he is not good, he’s gone mute, completely shut down. He wouldn’t let your body go when they found you guys, and he is pretty shattered Dean. He is convinced you are dead. As for what happened we don’t know, with Castiel not talking there is a gap we haven’t filled yet. All we do know is he put up a damn fight. His father was found unconscious with bruising to his ribs and bite marks up his arms. Castiel has suffered bruising round his neck and on his body, but he wasn’t admitted to hospital,” Sam explained.

Dean let a small whimper of despair at Sam’s words. Sam smiled sadly at his brother. Castiel was so sick, there was a fear from all of them surrounding Castiel, because none of them knew just how bad he was going to get before he got better. If he got better.

“You need to ring Gabe and tell him to bring Castiel here. He won’t settle until he sees me alive Sammy. Anything else we can deal with or try to. But if he thinks I am dead, then he won’t even begin recovering from whatever the hell his father did to him. He needs to be here. He needs to see me Sam,” Dean told him firmly.

Sam nodded pulling his phone out. He had already decided that he would ask Gabe to talk Charlie into letting Castiel come to the hospital. He didn’t care if the doctors would protest that Dean needed to rest. His brother was acting like Castiel needed to be here for Castiel, but Sam knew that Dean needed to see his husband just as much, he needed to see for himself that Castiel was at least safe and alive, his mental state would be a battle they would all have to help Castiel fight.

***

Dean hadn’t realised he had fallen asleep until he felt a light squeeze to his hand, opening his eyes he was meet by wide blue ones staring back at him. His heart jumped at the sight of his husband, no matter how bad things were Castiel always took his breath away, he was so lucky to have him in his life and he was so thankful that his love was safe. 

There was so much fear and panic in Castiel’s eyes that it broke Dean. He had no idea what his husband and been through, but he now understood what Sam had meant when he had said that Castiel was broken. Dean opened his arms, and Castiel fell into them, crawling onto the bed pushing himself close to Dean. Dean glanced outside his room, he saw Charlie flash him a sad smile which only made him tighten his grip on Castiel. 

“It’s okay my angel. I’m safe, and so are you. It’s going to be okay,” he soothed.

“I-I thought you were dead. I thought he had killed you. It’s my fault, Dean. This is all my fault,” Castiel sobbed.

Dean swallowed heavily, running his hand up and down Castiel’s back as he tightened his grip on Dean. He wasn’t sure he was ready to deal with his husband right at that moment, and he felt guilt rip through him at such a thought. But it was very obvious that Castiel was having a complete emotional break down, and Dean was no where near strong enough physically or mentally to help him through it.

“No, Castiel this isn’t your fault. None of it is. If anything, it’s ours, we should have listened to you when you told us that your saw your father. And for that I am so sorry my love, I am so sorry that we didn’t believe you,” Dean soothed.

Castiel pulled away from him suddenly, dropping himself back in the chair, fixing his gaze on where he was ringing his hands. Dean shot Charlie a look, she was already in the room Gabriel right behind her. 

“Cas? It’s okay, we are both safe, but you need to tell us what happened so we can help you,” Dean told him gently.

Castiel shook his head slightly, refusing to meet Dean’s gaze. Dean knew all the signs, he was shutting down again. He was like a child, and that was how they had to treat him. Yeah, he really wasn’t okay to be dealing with this right now.

“I don’t want to be here. I need to go home. I don’t want to talk about it,” Castiel muttered.

Dean reached over, ignoring the pull on his injuries as he reached for Castiel’s hands to stop him ringing them. Castiel froze at the touch his whole body tensing. Eyes flicked up to Dean, the look in them was wired and scared. He was about to snap and there was nothing Dean could do to stop it from happening.

“Please, my angel. Please fight this,” Dean begged him.

“Come on Castiel, let’s get you home,” Gabriel said.

To everyone’s relief Castiel didn’t fight him, instead he pulled his hands from Dean’s grip and followed his cousin quietly out the room. Charlie turned to him, reaching out to squeeze his hand.

“I can’t bring him back here Dean. It’s too much for him, you understand that?” 

“I know, I was going to say the same. I am hoping they will let me out in few days. I’m fine, I need to be home. I need to be helping you look after Castiel.”

“No, Dean. You need to listen to the doctors. You will come home when they tell you, and don’t you dare push them to let you out sooner. You were shot, twice. You’re lucky to be alive and awake. Me and Gabriel will look after Castiel,” Charlie assured him.

“Don’t push him, Charlie. I know Benny needs to know what happens, we all do. But the more we push the more he will shut down. Even I can see that he is tittering on the edge, that we are so close to losing him again, and I am so scared if we do this time, we won’t get him back. He doesn’t seem to grasp the fact that we are both safe, that his father is locked up…”   
“He doesn’t have much of grasp on reality right now, Dean. He is just about functioning, and not well. It took a lot to get him here, and if I am honest, I am surprised that he lasted as long as he did. But hopefully now seeing that you are okay will help him, a little,” Charlie said.

Dean nodded in silent response. Charlie smiled, leaning in and kissing him gently on the cheek, squeezing his hand as he did.

“I will do all I can to help him, Dean. I promise,” she assured him.

Dean didn’t say anything, resting his head back against the pillow as she left. Sam walked back in, he went to take a seat but Dean shook his head, not even meeting his brother’s eyes.

“Please leave me, Sammy. I just want to be on my own,” Dean told him.

“Dean-“

‘I said leave me alone,” Dean snapped.

A look of hurt flicked across Sam’s, but Dean didn’t care. He wanted to be alone, he needed to be alone, to process everything that had happened. His head was all over the place, and god was he tired. He just wanted to sleep. The sooner he got better the sooner he would be out and back to helping Castiel. Though he wasn’t sure how much help he would be. 

“I will come by later,” Sam said.

“Don’t bother. I will see you tomorrow,’ Dean dismissed him.

He turned his back to his brother, and soon enough he heard the door shut leaving him in silence, leaving him to his thoughts.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the ongoing support guys. More angst to come, but as I keep saying there is a happy ending.

Gabriel sighed deeply, dropping his pen to the table, pinching the bridge of his nose trying to rid himself of the headache that was threatening. He had been trying to edit his client’s latest book for the last three hours and none of it was going in. He hadn’t been able to focus well since the shooting, his mind constantly on his cousin and his worsening condition. Charlie was doing all she could for Castiel, trying to get him to open up and talk to them. But Castiel still stayed silent. Gabriel supposed they should be grateful that he was lucid enough to respond to them, that he would eat and take his medication without a fight. It didn’t make it easier, Castiel was barely functioning, he was losing his fight against his mind and there was nothing Gabriel could do to stop it. And he was trying. Everything.

“Is the book that bad?” 

Gabriel jumped at the sudden intrusion. The low, gravely voice of his cousin broke the silence. He had never been so relieved to hear Castiel speak. His cousin stood in the entrance of his room, ringing his hands nervously as he watched Gabriel where he was sat on the floor, the table in front of him littered with papers. Gabriel’s heart went out to Castiel, he was so unsure of everything right now. Wanting nothing more than to go to his cousin and give him a big hug, to tell him it would be okay like he had done for the last four days, Gabriel restrained himself. He knew that Castiel didn’t deal with physical contact unless he sought it at the moment and that was okay. Instead, Gabriel flashed Castiel a smile, patting the sofa as he climbed up on it. 

“I have read better. Why don’t you join me, I could do with the distraction,” Gabriel suggested.

Castiel hesitated for a moment, Gabriel could see his mind trying to decide if he could trust him, if it was safe to leave the comfort of his room. With one quick glance behind him, Castiel made his way to the sofa, sitting as far away from Gabriel as he could. Gabriel sighed inwardly, this was an improvement, it was the first time Castiel had left his room since they had come back from the hospital, he couldn’t mess it up.

“How are you feeling, Cas?” Gabriel asked.

“I-I’m okay, I think. I was wondering if you would do something for me, Gabe?” 

“Of course. What is it?” Gabriel said.

Castiel wouldn’t meet his eye and he wondered if he should call Charlie. This was the first time his cousin had spoken since the incident, should she be here with him? Taking a deep breath, he reached over and placed a hand on Castiel’s arm squeezing it gently, forcing him to look him in the eye. 

“Cas? It’s okay, you’re safe. Now what do you want me to do for you?” Gabriel asked him gently.

“Can you call Benny please, I want to talk to him about what happened. I know he wants to know,” Castiel muttered.

Gabriel was stunned, he hadn’t expected that. Looking at his cousin he knew that he wasn’t ready to speak to Benny but he also knew how stubborn Castiel was. Even when he was suffering with his mental state. 

“Cas, are you sure?” 

“Yes, please. Just call him,” Castiel begged him.

Gabriel nodded, pulling out his phone. In his mind he knew this wouldn’t end well. Once he got off the phone to Benny, who assured him he would be there asap, he sent a text to Charlie. She needed to be there.

Once off the phone Gabriel turned his attention back to his cousin. He let himself take him in for a moment, noticing the way his body trembled, how thin and exhausted he looked. He would eat but just enough to keep them quiet, but the battle he was going through with his mind was draining Castiel of his energy everyday. Charlie was starting to worry that Castiel was getting physically sick too and Gabriel was starting to agree with her. The lack of colour in his cousin’s face was worrying. Slowly he reached out a hand, placing it on Castiel’s forehead. Castiel didn’t pull away but he did tense at the touch.

“It’s okay, Cas. I am not going to hurt you. But you feel a bit warm and clammy. Do you feel sick?” Gabriel asked.

Castiel shook he head silently, causing Gabriel to sigh deeply. Brushing a lose strand of hair from Castiel’s eyes, he stood and made his way to the small kitchen, deciding to make his cousin a warm drink and to give him so medication to see if they could catch the bubbling fever before it hit him. He was just handing Castiel the drink when a knock came. It was Benny, Charlie had a key as she had been at the apartment more times then she had been away lately, it was easier for her to have a one. Castiel flicked Gabriel a terrified look which he returned with a reassuring smile. He was definitely convinced this was a bad idea.

“Hey Benny, thanks for coming, though I think your time maybe wasted and for that I am sorry,” Gabriel greeted him

Benny shook his head, flashing him a small smile and glancing over at where Castiel was sat on the sofa, gripping his mug of hot liquid, a blanket now draped over him. 

“It’s never a waste. Even just to come and see a friend. How is he?” Benny asked.

Gabriel shrugged, shutting the door behind him.

“Honestly, I don’t know. Just go slow with him, Benny. Treat him like a child, because that is where his mind is right now. He is scared and unsure of everything. And don’t touch him unless he looks like he is seeking the comfort,” Gabriel filed him in.

Benny nodded, following him to Castiel. Gabriel took a seat next to his cousin while Benny pulled up a chair and sat opposite him. 

“Hey Cas. Gabe here said you wanted to talk to me. Want to tell me what’s up? What I can do for you,” Benny greeted him.

Castiel didn’t say anything, instead his body started to shake and Gabriel had to move the mug from his hand before he spilt boiling liquid over himself. Tears spilled down his cheeks just as Charlie entered. She must have sensed Castiel’s distress because she was at his side in a flash, wrapping an arm around him. She sent Gabriel a glare, confirming that he had messed up by agreeing to this. 

“I-I can’t. I’m sorry Benny. I thought I could but I have let you down because I can’t and I have wasted your time,“ he sobbed

Benny dropped to his knees in front of Castiel, reaching out to place a hand onto his arm. Gabriel was surprised when he didn’t flinch at the touch. Instead he looked up at the detective with wide eyes, tears falling freely. Gabriel felt awful for putting him through this and he knew he would be getting it from Charlie later. 

“Hey, stop okay, Castiel. You haven’t wasted my time. You never wast my time. And you certainly never let me down. My friend what you have been through, no-one expects you to be okay. You concentrate on getting better okay? I will concentrate on making sure the monster who did this to you stays locked up for good,” Benny assured him.

Castiel nodded silently, Benny squeezed his arm gently before standing. Charlie flashed the detective an apologetic smile, which he returned with a slight shake of his head.

“Why don’t you see Benny out, Gabriel?” Charlie suggested.

Gabriel shifted uncomfortably under her glare, grateful for the distraction that she had given him, he wasn’t quite ready to deal with the red head’s wrath. He was just glad he had a bit of time on his side, she wouldn’t bring it up until Castiel was asleep later. 

Walking Benny to the door the detective stopped him, glancing at the pair they had left on the sofa, before pulling Gabriel out the apartment.

“I have been in touch with Michael, Gabe. He wants to help. It would seem him and their father had a good few businesses going that have banked a bit of money. He now obviously has his father’s shares in all of them, and he wants to put the money towards medical bills, and to help Castiel and Dean get a new place. Because let’s face it, there is no way Castiel is going to want to return to their old place,” Benny told him.

Gabriel just nodded slightly not sure what Benny was getting at and why he felt the need to be talking about this right at that moment. Though it was keeping him from facing Charlie.

“I am going to go and talk to Dean about it today. But Castiel-“

“Yeah, that’s not going to happen, Benny. Mentioning Michael to him right now is not a good idea. He barely knows who is he is, hoping he will accept that his brother is a good guy, it’s impossible. It’s best Cas doesn’t know about any of this. Not yet anyway.” Gabriel stopped him.

“That’s what I thought. I just wanted to be sure we were on the same wavelength. Look after him, Gabe. Let me know if there is anything I can do,” Benny said.

Gabriel simply nodded as Benny patted him on the shoulder before leaving him alone outside his home. Taking a deep breath, he turned and headed back into the apartment, knowing it was going to be a long rest of the day.


End file.
